For the record, this last month or so that I have been back on some good thyroid meds I’ve been feeling SO MUCH better. As in, better than I’ve felt in years, practically. I didn’t realize how far down I was all this time. I mean, I knew I wasn’t feeling good and that it was affecting just about everything in my life. But I didn’t know that just a few weeks of thyroid meds would make SUCH a difference. Of course, like anyone else I have up and down days. But instead of most days being down days (with varying degrees of down-ness) with the rare up day, now I feel as though I have more up days than down. And that, my friends, is a MIRACLE.
My outlook on so many things has improved so much that I find myself looking at situations that once had me tied in knots and festering with angst and wondering, “What was the big deal?”. That is honestly more than I could have ever hoped for. While I’m still 100% in the “socially anxious” category, I don’t feel near as crippled by it. Yes, most times I would far rather stay home than go out and deal with people, especially by myself. But now I *can* leave the house. And I can interact with people. And when it comes to silly stuff that happened in the past, I just simply don’t really care anymore. I’ve well and truly put everything back there behind me and am all about moving forward. Again, a MIRACLE.
Which isn’t to say that I’m not experiencing a little woe this week. But that’s the kicker: it’s “little”. It falls under the category of “aww darn!” more than “oh my god, I can’t bear it.” But still. Woe.
1) Liam’s adjusting (or not so much as it would turn out) to school. Of course, this is only Thursday of the first week. But this is entirely new ground for me. Harry, as far as I can remember, had no trouble adjusting to kindergarten. He just went and while he had his issues here and there, I don’t remember the drop-off being so stricken with anxiety. The first day was typical. The second day was more difficult on both of us. Yesterday wasn’t so bad but not ideal. Today? Horrible. Poor kid. The problem is, we get to school and he doesn’t want to go into the kindergarten yard. He wants to hang onto my leg. Yesterday I was able to talk him into going into the lineup when the bell rang. Today? Not so much. He curled up on the pavement. I had Evie wave to him, thinking that might help brighten him up. Instead he burst into tears. Cue the knife in my heart. Finally, his teacher told us to move along because she might have an easier time coaxing him into the classroom without us there watching. It was hard to walk away, knowing he was so sad. Most parents of kindergarteners are well familiar with this, but like I said, this is entirely new territory to me.
The teacher called my husband a little while later saying they got him off the pavement and he was no longer curled into a ball. He was in the library looking at books and hopefully soon would be able to rejoin the class. I know this was meant to put my heart at ease, but instead it made me feel that much more awful. Oh, this transition is awful. I know it could be weeks before the drop-off goes smoothly. The teacher warned me that Monday would be particularly bad because the kids relax and enjoying being at home again over the weekend. Meanwhile, I may just melt into a puddle and be done with it. I wish there was something I could do to make this easier for him. But there isn’t anything that I can think of. He has to go to school and I have to leave him there and it just SUCKS all around.
2) BlogHer ’11 is this weekend in San Diego. And the last week or so I’ve been finding myself increasingly jealous at the posts and Facebook statuses of those who are attending. Even though I’ve largely been out of the blogging loop the last year or two, I find myself returning to it more and more and I miss being a part of that excitement. I wish I were flying to San Diego right now, ready to relax, have fun, learn, make friends, see old friends and let my hair down. Gosh, its been so long since I’ve been able to let my hair down. I could really use a break like that right about now.
But no, I’m stuck here at home, reading the posts and statuses and all that good stuff from people who are there and trying not to seethe too much with jealousy. What do I have to look forward to this weekend? If I’m lucky, I won’t have to ride to Winnemucca and drive the van back home. That’s IF I’M LUCKY. Kill me now.
3) One last little thing that’s niggling just a bit this morning: a client of mine from last year who had previously wanted me to knit her a bunch more for this fall contacted me that she had changed her mind and for me to send her yarn back to her. Now, I wasn’t particularly surprised. I was even expecting such an email fairly soon. I suspected she would change her mind. But still. It stings a little and I can’t help but wonder if I hadn’t done something wrong on her previous customs. With the state of the knitting biz the way it is these days, losing customs can be kinda discouraging. And if you’re kind of an insecure sort of person anyhow, it can be a blow to the old self-confidence.
This client has done nothing wrong of course. This was all her prerogative. I’m just feeling a little sorry for myself today. And that’s yet another thing that’s making me feel a little sad.
The good part though? I feel so much better in general. This little bit of “woe” has me feeling BETTER than I generally was feeling on my “up” days before . You know what? I’ll take it!