I wonder what’s going to happen on “Lost” tonight.  It’s been so danged good lately that I don’t dare miss a minute of it.

I wonder if Sarah Chalke is actually the “mother” on “How I Met Your Mother”.  I’m thinking: no.

I wonder if the wind is EVER going to just STOP, please for the love of GOD.

I wonder if I should go chase down our garbage can that blew down the street this morning. GAH.

I wonder what I should have for lunch.  Is it weird that I’m actually kinda excited to have a tv dinner to eat?  Probably, huh?

I wonder if I should drink some Rockstar.  I’m guessing that if I don’t want to fall asleep in my tv dinner, I probably should.

I wonder if Evie will keep up her sleeping at night the way she has been.  It has been MARVELOUS.  I recently stopped nursing her in the night (the cut-off being when I go to bed around 11 or 12 and I can start again in the morning anytime after 6am as I’m generally up around then anyhow).  For a while, myself or Kile (usually me) was getting up when she’d wake and rocking her before putting her back in her crib and that worked great.  The last couple of nights, we haven’t even had to do that.  Though I think she’s woken a little and cried for about a minute before falling back to sleep.  Let’s hope this is a trend in the RIGHT direction towards a full night of sleep for everyone!

I wonder why I’m still so tired if I didn’t have to get up in the night last night.  Hmm.  Could be the whole “going to bed around 11 or 12, waking up at 6 or 6:30″ thing, huh?

I wonder why Liam loves PBS’s “Word World” so much.  Is it the letters and words?  He loves himself some letters and numbers these days.

I wonder why I write such goofy blog posts when I know that no one likes this sort of post anyhow.  Could be I’ve got a lot on my mind and I need an easy way to unload it.  Could be I don’t have the coherent thought capacity at the moment to write a decent post.

I wonder if drinking some Rockstar could help with that.

There’s only one way to find out!

I often worry that my particular parenting choices will come off as “preachy” to other moms.  That they will feel intimidated by what I chose to do with my children and will think that I will in turn think less of them for making a different choice.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  In fact, I think my choices are just that, choices.  And how could I look down on anyone simply for making other choices?  Choices that are just as good as the ones I make for my own family.

Take breastfeeding for instance.  I do take pride in knowing that Evie has been, for the most part, exclusively breastfed since the day she was born.  Solids are merely a supplement at this stage in the game.  Often, they’re an afterthought (she said, with shame).  I wasn’t able to nurse Liam, but I did pump all his milk for the first ten months of his life and he was a lot worse about eating solids than Evie is.  Harry too was nursed exclusively for the first year of his life.  Do I think this makes me better than someone else who has used formula?  No, it just means I made another choice.  I’m happy with that choice and proud of it, sure, but it doesn’t make me better.

Co-sleeping is the same.  We have co-slept with all our children, to varying degrees.  This was simply a choice we made when our children were newborns.  We (read: I) wanted more sleep so co-sleeping was the simplest, most-effective way to achieve that.  It turns out, I really enjoyed having my kids in bed.  I felt I bonded closer to them and was able to really enjoy the closeness and the small moments of smiling into each others eyes first thing in the morning.  But am I better than a mom who chose to put her baby in a crib or bassinet from day one?  Nope.  Not in the slightest.

And cloth diapering is NO different.  I’ve gotten the vibe from people I know in real life that they might be a little intimidated by my decision to use cloth diapers on Evie.  That they think I might think less of them if they don’t want to cloth diaper as well.  Definitely not.  I know it’s not for everyone.  Shoot, why do you think I never tried it with Harry or when Liam was little?  Because I didn’t feel it was a choice that I wanted to make, could make or maybe even SHOULD make for my family.  Things change, attitudes change, budgets change and opportunities open up.  I don’t think I made the decision to switch to cloth lightly, and if I gush about it on here or to someone I know in person, it’s only because I’m excited about it.

I’m thrilled that I have been able to embrace cloth diapering as easily and thoroughly as I have.  I am invigorated by the cloth diapering community and all the completely adorable options out there for diapering my kids butts.  So if I gush, it’s simply because I’m just seriously PSYCHED about the whole business.  And not because I entertain for a moment the notion that I could/should/would convert anyone to using cloth diapers.  Now, if someone became more likely to give it a shot after talking to me?  Su-WEET!  That would be awesome.  But I’m not going to tsk-tsk and look down my nose at anyone who prefers to stick to their disposables.  Because, at the end of the day, it’s a choice.  I’m not a better mom for cloth diapering any more than I’m better for co-sleeping or breastfeeding.

And you know what?  It goes both ways.   I don’t want anyone to look down their noses at me for the choices I have made either.   I don’t want someone to roll their eyes when I mention that we co-sleep, give me a dirty look for nursing my daughter in the van while we’re out during the day or wrinkle their nose in disgust when they learn my children wear cloth diapers.  You don’t have to explain your choices to me, and I shouldn’t have to explain mine to you.

Because, when it comes down to it, we’re all equal.  We all love our children.  And that’s what matters.

I Evie shamelessly stole this blog post idea from Miss Zoot.  Since it’s a Friday, I just went ahead and let her do it.  The idea here is that Evie will broadcast her preferences (not mine) to the internet.  Whatever.  She’s just totally trying to capitalize on my uber-popularity.

• Cloth or Disposable? This is one my mama and I agree on.  I love wearing my cloth diapers.  Especially the ones that are pink or purple or have pretty pictures on them.  They do make my butt look big through.
• Breast or Bottle? My mama and papa have only tried to give me a bottle a couple times and I really hated it.  Plastic… yuck!  So they haven’t tried again since.  So I guess that means I prefer the breast!
• Eczema or Reflux? Neither!  Am I lucky baby or what?
• Jumparoo or Playmat? Okay, maybe I’m not so lucky.  I don’t have either of those things (though my mama keeps saying she wants to get me a playmat).  I do love to play in my exersaucer though.
• Mommy or Daddy? Well, I do love my papa, don’t get me wrong.  But right now, I’m ALL about my mama.  I like to go everywhere she goes and when someone else holds me, I stare at her.  This makes her roll her eyes.
• Sling, front carrier or stroller? I used to really love my sling, but I’ve gotten way too big for it now.  My mama just got a hip hammock that I love to ride in cuz I get to look out at everything, just like if mama was carrying me around!  I don’t like the stroller when I have to sit in my carseat to ride in it.  I don’t really like my carseat that much. But I do like going on walks in the stroller when I’m just in the seat!
• Pacifier or Thumb? Neither, really.  I don’t like pacifiers because of the whole yucky plastic thing and I haven’t gotten real good at finding my thumb (my mama tells me my brothers couldn’t find theirs either).  Sometimes I’ll suck on my fist but only if I’m really hungry!
• Bumbo seat or Bouncy seat? I don’t have a Bumbo seat, so I have to say bouncy seat!  I like the toy bar pretty well and it’s not bad for a catnap here and there.  I wish my mama would replace the battery that makes it vibrate though.
• White Noise or Silence while sleeping? All summer long my parents have run the air conditioner in their room which makes a lot of racket.  I think I’ve gotten used to it.  Mama turns it on when I’m napping too.  What is she going to do when it’s winter and too cold for the a/c?
• Crib, Pack n Play or Parent’s bed? Parent’s bed, all the way! I love to snuggle up next to mama all night long.  I even try to throw my leg over her belly!  I have a feeling they’ll try to move me into my crib here in a couple months though.  GULP!

Peekaboo!  I just started doing this by myself this week!  Aren’t I silly??

Dude.  Season finale of “Lost”.  It’s a commercial so I’m going to do these little “vignettes” in between commercials.  Or rather, during the commercials.  I have no idea what I’m talking about, do I?

***

Thanks so much for all the support on my post yesterday.  Yes, even from you “non-breastfeeders”. A lot of what I wrote was MY issue though (being embarrassed, forgetting to cover up, etc).  Let’s face it, I’m easy to embarrass.  It’s one of the easiest things to do to me.  Go ahead!  Try it!  It’s painfully easy.  It’s more challenging to tie your shoes in the morning than it is to embarrass me.

I guess a lot of what I was trying to get at in that post was the whole car vs. bathroom thing for nursing and why don’t more women’s restrooms have sitting areas for feeding babies and the like.  I remember the first time I saw such a setup.  It was at a new Nordstrom department store at the mall near the house where I grew up.  I was very impressed.  I knew then that this was a fancy place for surely only fancy places had such luxurious appointments.

A room like that is not just for nursing mothers.  It’s for the weary shopper who needs to sit and catch her breath, a pregnant woman who wants to rest her swollen feet, a mom who is pumping to gain privacy, a mother who formula feeds her child, a place to sit and feed her child in peace.  Nursing is just one of the utilities for such a room.  Why can’t we see this more?  I think it would be AWESOME.

***

Woah, that took more than a couple commercials to write that.  This finale is something else.  I have NO idea what’s going on and I’m loving every minute of it.  My mind is being blown so much that I fear there might not be much left here in a bit.

***

Yep, Evie is still wearing cloth.  In fact, Liam wears cloth too for the majority of the day.  I guess you can say I’ve gone and gotten all crunchy on ya’ll. Sorry ’bout that.  Throw in the sling usage and I might as well just relocate to a commune.

***

Yeah, this show is totally blowing my mind.  Also: Ben is a total pimp.

***

I’m going camping this weekend.  Did I tell ya’ll that?  I am.  Camping.  As in, sleeping outdoors.  For at least one night.  With two small children.  And one rather large crabby one.  CAMPING.  If you don’t hear from me before Sunday evening, send some help.  Call the forest service or something.  Tell them I was last seen in a tan Dodge Grand Caravan with a weird sticker in the back window.  You can’t miss that sticker.  People always say, “Hey, we saw you out on the road today!”  Of course you did.  It’s the sticker.   I guess my point is: Pray for me.  I’m going CAMPING.

***

Damn Sawyer.

***

I’m going to have to cut this short.  My brain is starting to bleed from the effort of concentrating on two things at once. But you all are the best, remember that.  I love you all.  I love this blog, this community, all my commenters, all my lurkers (I see you there, behind the plant) and all that good, mushy stuff.  You all complete me.  Without this blog, I’d be a hopeless case.  I’m more sure of that today than I ever have been.  Viva la blog!

Evie is creeping up on 10 weeks old.  Can you even believe it?  It doesn’t seem like it’s been ten whole weeks since she was born.  And I’ve been nursing her, like a champ, those whole ten weeks.  It’s about now that women start to know if nursing is going to work out for them or not.  Obviously, for me, it’s working out.  I’m one of the lucky ones.  Some gals aren’t so lucky.  It’s not for lack of trying.  Plenty of awesome women try really hard to nurse their babies and it just doesn’t work out for whatever reason.

But why, oh why, is there still this stigma on breastfeeding??  Why does it have to be so hard to be a mama who exclusively nurses her baby?  Society has virtually zero provision for this.  WHY?  Why should I have to nurse in a bathroom or my car in order to not feel like I’m a filthy exhibitionist?

I know part of that is my own problem.  I feel like I’m judged if I nurse in public.  It could be actual, it could be perceived.  I worry that people will give me stinkeye (or worse) if I even think of feeding out in plain view.  However, I did have an incident several weeks ago where someone got skeeved out when I nursed Evie.  Of course, I wasn’t thinking and didn’t use a blanket to cover her and I, but I did make certain that “nothing showed”.  I didn’t know why I didn’t cover up.  In most every other circumstance, minus being at home with just my family, I would have.  I just didn’t even think about it.  I was flustered, and while I was surrounded by friends, it was a new environment.  My brain just wasn’t where it should be.  Though, to my credit, I did consider going out to the van to feed her.  However, it was a 90 degree day and I knew that even if I started the van up and ran the a/c, it would be sunny and hot in there.  Plus, I’d miss out on getting to chat with my friends which is what I wanted to do.   I was told later that this person was uncomfortable and I immediately felt awful about it.

Embarassed, to be sure.  I’m probably the polar opposite of an exhibitionist.  Growing up, it was my older sister’s job to give me baths and I used to make her close her eyes while I got undressed and got in the bath.  Not that there were bubbles to hide anything.   I was just a modest child.  I’m a modest adult too.  And to think someone felt embarrassed about something I did… well, it made me feel sick to my stomach.

Why do people still feel this way about breastfeeding?  I guess that’s an age-old question.  There’s no good, easy answer either.  It’s society, media, up-bringing, personal hangups… you name it.

Why do I feel bad about the way I feed my child?