Yesterday was just a sad, sad day. My mind was almost constantly on dear Maddie and her parents and aching for the loss. Why did this hit me so hard? I mean, there’s the obvious reason: a young girl dies tragically leaving her parents shattered. But I also didn’t know Maddie or the Spohr’s or anyone related to them. I just knew OF them. And yet, I felt like a part of my heart had been torn from my body. Every time I saw a picture of that precious little girl, my heart would re-fracture and the tears would start.
Maybe it’s because the emotions are all too familiar. It is all too easy for me to imagine what the Spohr’s felt and are feeling. While I absolultely do not fathom the magnitude of their loss, I have had that moment where the floor falls away, the room spins and the earth tilts off it’s axis, leaving you wondering which end is up and how the world will ever make sense ever again. That fear that all parents have, the flash of “what if” that we experience during close calls… I have an inkling of what it feels like when all the bad stuff comes true. The sick feeling goes on and intensifies and consumes your soul. You either cry at the drop of a hat or cannot even muster the coherence to cry, depending on the day, the hour, the moment, the instant.
The nights are the worst. You begin to dread going to bed. Especially when your husband is blessed to be able to fall asleep relatively easily and deeply, leaving you laying awake, alone with the night. That is when the pace of the day is behind you and your thoughts take over. That is when there is nothing to distract you but the sound and feeling of your heart breaking all over again. No one is there to hug you, listen to you, tell you it will all be all right. Night is when the deepness and the dark and the sorrow seem to have no end. Night is when you wonder if you will ever be whole again.
This goes on. And on and on and on. Days melt into weeks melt into months melt into years. And for the rest of your life, you will always know what it feels like to have the floor fall out beneath you. You are a member of that club, the club that NO one ever wants to join. That no one ever should have to join. So when you read or hear about stories that have any sort of common thread with your own, you heart fractures along those same, familiar lines yet again.
I don’t know exactly how the Spohr’s are feeling. But I have an idea.
I did something unwise as we were going to bed last night. I fired up Safari on my iPhone to catch up on a couple blogs while Kile tucked the boys in and got into bed himself. This was a poor idea because I read something that brought me to my knees. That sucked the air from my lungs. That made me feel like I was going to throw up. That caused me to cry and ache and alarm my poor husband.
If you haven’t been reading Mamasphor, you may not know Maddie. But I’ve been reading about her and her family for quite a while now. And while I knew that her prematurity gave her a lot of health issues, she was still a vibrant, happy little girl. Not too much older than Evie. I would get nervous whenever Maddie was sick, particularly this last fall when she was hospitalized. But she recovered.
And now? Now…
I knew I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep, think of this beautiful little girl and her poor parents. Kile tried to distract me, and it sorta worked. Instead I found myself all upset and enraged about this kid who has been stealing food out of Harry’s lunch at school. That’s productive, huh?
And when I heard Evie cry and moan over the monitor? Instead of willing her to fall back to sleep like I normally would, I leapt out of bed to retrieve her. I held her tight, reveling in her weight. In her health. I kissed her head and stroked her hair and cried for a poor baby girl and a mama who won’t get to do that with her daughter ever again.
It’s not fair. It’s not right.
There isn’t much I or anyone else can do. But what I can do is donate the paltry amount currently residing in my PayPal account to her March of Dimes campaign and join the walk. And I shall do both. How about you?
UPDATE: Heather’s (aka mamaspohr) blog has been down for the better part of the day. To hear why and what has been done about it, read this.
I continue to be just heartsick about this. I cannot concentrate on anything. I weep for a child I never knew.
Jackson’s birthday is strange this year. It’s not like the previous years have been. For one thing, I feel so busy. Not quite too busy to remember, but too busy to fixate, that’s for sure. Evie’s birthday had us all in an uproar, as did our trip to Elko. Today, consequently, is all about getting back to real life. Harry going back to school, Kile going back to work, me and the little ones getting back to our routine.
I would have liked to have visited the cemetary today, but I don’t think I’ll be able to manage. Sure, I could pack up the kids and drive down to get Kile and we could all go over. But I don’t want to overextend myself either and I’ll have to be packing them up tomorrow to take them (by myself!) to Evie’s pediatrician appointment. But Kile has said that he will visit and bring him some flowers.
This morning, when I reminded Harry whose birthday it was today and how old he would have been, he replied, “He could have been my friend. We could have played together.” Yep, he sure could. Harry and Jackson would have been much closer in age and I think they would have had a great time together. As much fun as he has with Liam, I think Harry would have had a buddy in Jackson. I’m sorry he never got that chance.
I don’t have much to say this year. I don’t know what to say. The fact that it has been five years blows me away. Jack would have been going to kindergarten this summer. He wouldn’t have been a baby anymore. He would have been a full-fledged little boy. Would he have been ornery like Liam? Calm like Harry and Evie? Would he have been into trucks and trains or superheros and video games? So many unanswered questions.
On this, the fifth anniversary of his birth and death, I wanted to highlight all the posts I have written for Jackson over the years. I’ll start with last year and work backwards:
Each post, each year, is a snapshot in time. How we were grieving, how we were living with Jackson, how we were coping and moving forward and living our lives. I didn’t write a letter this year. Maybe I will and just tuck it back somewhere that only I can see it. Either way, he will be remembered. Not a year, not a day, will go by without him being remembered.
Happy Birthday, Jackson.
Nope, you’re not seeing things. My YNTR list is back this week! And, bonus for you, it includes two weeks of linky goodness. I still maintain that I may not be doing this list every week. But I will when I can and when it’s not going to cause me an undue amount of grief to put it together. And, as it would happen, this week the grief has not been caused. It’s a mellow Saturday morning around these parts, Liam is watching “Ratatouille” on cable and Kile is snoring in his recliner. All is right with the world.
This first post is something I could relate to. Should I go Mac and never come back? from Mandajuice is much like a similar post I wrote not that long ago. And, just like myself, she finds herself wooed by the seductive iPhone and repelled by a crappy PC. I’ll be interested to see what she picks, especially since I’m 99.9% sure I’m going to get a MacBook when the time comes.
And in the “Long-Awaited” category, we have Ezra from amalah . com. I literally felt my heart swell when I saw this sweet picture and the details on the birth. She is officially the mom of two boys! I can’t wait to see how the weeks and months ahead are for her and her family. Congratulations, Storchs!
I can DEFINITELY relate to The Hot Fuss™* and Me from temporarily me. In fact, I may have thought these very words myself on more than one occasion in the last week or so. Or the last month or so. Or the last six months or so. Sometimes, a bad mood just gets ahold of you and you can’t shake it. And sometimes, your kid wants to be superglued to your side. And when the two meet? Well… that’s when you get a post like this.
And I know you’re probably sick of me talking about it already, but Her New Hobby from Confessions of a Pioneer Woman made me cackle a little bit because The Power of the iPhone can grip ANYBODY, even housewives who live out in the country. And the text messages from her daughter were just too darned funny. I think someone likes “Napoleon Dynamite”!
On the flip side, we have My Grandpa: October 5, 1921- October 14, 2008 from Joy Unexpected. This was a touching and sad post about her grandfather who passed away this last week. It’s been a long time since all of my grandparents passed, but I could keenly feel her loss through her words. I hope she finds peace, now that her grandfather has found his. My sympathies to her and her family.
Being a Reno citizen as well, I can appreciate Fall Where? from EmilyPie. I love her summation of the season here in our town, and how schizophrenic they often tend to be. However, I do disagree with her assessment of summer and the need for air conditioning (I am sure I would perish without it). I love winter, always have, always will. But yes. Fall is like a week long around here. I could do with some more fall, to be honest.
This post gets filed under the “ZOMG” category. ZOMG! Twilight Soundtrack Playlist Just Released! from MamaPop shares with us the fantabulous news of the new “Twilight” movie soundtrack. Can you believe I already have some of these songs on my iTunes? BEFORE this list was released? Oh, I’m a hardcore fan, ya’ll. And you can bet I’ll have the rest of these songs when the soundtrack is released. I cannot WAIT to hear the one recorded by Robert Pattinson.
Enough is Enough from Queen of Spain Blog is a post about the turn in tone the political race has taken lately. And I wish I could say in the intervening days since she first posted this that the voices of hate have toned down but I really don’t think they have. I think they may have gotten worse. But I definitely share her feelings and hope that people settle the heck down. And lets find some decency in all of this, please? Aren’t we better than this? Please tell me that we are.
Lastly, we have My Husband is Not My Keeper, also from temporarily me. This spoke to me because I have often had these very same feelings. Being a stay at home mom, and not having any of my own income, I often feel like my voice is dimmed somewhat. I think that’s pretty common. And it’s as much my fault as any one else’s. But all the time, this is an impassioned, important post. You should all read it.
So there we go. Another week’s list in the hopper. This should be enough to keep you out of trouble this weekend. As for me, we have a baby costume to find and a pumpkin to pick out (nope, we don’t have that yet either). Should be fun! Happy Weekend, ya’ll.
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