depression

I don’t know what’s going on with my blog, ya’ll.  I think I’m losing focus.  The stats are down, my inspiration is down… This is not good, heading into NaBloPoMo, which I always look forward to each year and which requires constant content.  At the left there you see a graph of my weekly stats.  The highest point was BlogHer, I believe.  This week isn’t even half over yet, so obviously it’s still low, but you have to admit there’s a deliberate downtrend there.

And yet… WHY DO I CARE?  Or do I really?  It’s not really about ad revenue.  So I can’t blame the ads for watching these and feeling a pit in my stomach.  I think it has more to do with… ego.  After I had Evie, my blog enjoyed a nice boost.  A lot of people were visiting and commenting, I had lots to post about and everything was great.  In recent months, the visitors have dropped off, I’ve lost inspiration and I’m left feeling like a wallflower once again.

For the record, I hate feeling like that.

I don’t want to care.  I want to move past it.  I want to get back to the CONTENT.  But I am just not sure how to do that.  What was I posting back in the spring and summer that I enjoyed so much?  What about before then?  Right now, I feel like I have no goal.  I’m a boat set adrift in the sea of the internet.  Drifting is no fun.  I like to either have a goal or be anchored.  I’m a planner, after all.  The unknown isn’t something I like to embrace too much.  I suppose that’s the German in me.  We must be regimented!

How do I find my Blogging North Star?  Where is my focus supposed to be?  Why do I feel so confused when I open up my “Write Post” page?

And, most importantly, how do I STOP looking at the stats?  Because I seriously think they’re going to make me crazy.

I hate yesterday’s post.  I hated it while I was writing it, even.  But I couldn’t seem to stop myself.  So I posted it because I didn’t know what else to do.  I guess in that regard, the title was appropriate because I was indeed floundering.  Floundering for good blog fodder, that is.

Gah.  So today I vow to be a little less whiny and self involved.  Well.  Mostly, anyhow.  Because ya’ll?  I’m a mess.

This hair is driving me mad.  It’s too short to do anything with and tends to get all gnarled up while I’m sleeping, sticking in fifteen different directions.  I’m not used to that.  I think I should be at least able to pull it back into a ponytail until it grows out and I can get a decent haircut.  Until that day, I have to suffer with sloppy hair.

Take note of my Pink Uniform.  I’m so happy it’s getting cool now and I can wear the Pink Uniform again.  It’s one of the best things about winter (another awesome thing is my boots.  I love my boots).

The iPhone cleverly masks out my eyes with the bags underneath and slightly manic expression within.  You’re welcome.  (No one wants to see that.)

I’m feeling a lot less craptastic today.  I think yesterday was a mix of things.  I was still feeling sick, but decided not to take cold medicine because I wasn’t feel AS sick.  I was super-tired.  I was super-unmotivated.  I was in a pit and having a hard time looking up at the blue sky above.  Some days are like that.  Thankfully, today I’m feeling a lot more on target.  I’m not as tired and while still battling that damned cold, I feel a lot more in control of it.  Not terrifically motivated today, but not so numbingly frozen either.

In short?  I’ll take it.

Of course, I would be even happier with a small case of Rockstar Punched or Rockstar Juiced.  The first person who can hook me up with that gets a cookie.

This has been a hard week.  Partly because Evie is teething (I can finally feel the little buggers poking through her gums now!) and as such her sleeping has become a lot more schizophrenic.  Partly because Liam is acting every inch of TWO YEARS OLD and I’ve about had it with his constant boundary testing.  And partly because, well, I’m not taking thyroid medication.  Again.

So, I’m mentally cringing in anticipation of the accusations I’ll get from you guys.  I know I should have been more on top of things than I was.  But I just don’t know HOW I could have been.  I saw the doctor back at the beginning of August.  He prescribed me 100mg of meds, 100mg less than I was taking before Evie was born.  He had me go get my blood tested and sure enough, my levels were Not Good.  I forget the number now (maybe I put it in a post somewhere?  Far too lazy to go look for it), but it was fairly high.  The idea was I would get my blood tested again in September and go back in to see him a week after that and we would re-evaluate my meds then.

Hmm.  Riiiight.

The thing is, I cannot, cannot, take two small kids to get my blood drawn.  Not when one of those kids is Liam.  We don’t even have any labs near our house, it’s a good 20 minute drive to get to any lab.  It just can’t be done without additional adult assitance.  And Kile, well, he’s been busy at work.  He can’t really take a lot of time off.  It’s great that his job is so stable, don’t get me wrong.  We definitely don’t want to rock that boat.  So I haven’t pushed the issue.  In truth, I haven’t made it a priority.  And, to be honest, once I was able to get my blood drawn, I surely couldn’t go to the doctor with both kids either.

Basically, I’m trapped here at home with the kids.  I cannot leave with them so I cannot leave, period.

And, unfortunately, I’m feeling the effects of it.  My temper is short (not good when matched with Ornery Two Year Old), I’m easily frustrated, and I can tell that I’m circling the drain yet again.

So basically… when it comes to taking care of myself I am an Epic Fail.  And I just don’t know what I can do anymore to pull myself out of this hole.

It would seem that my frustration from yesterday did not dissipate overnight like I had hoped it would.  Then again, I’m not sure why I expected it to since Evie is in the throes of teething and wanted to use me as a pacifier all night long.  My rest wasn’t exactly restful.

My resentment, therefore, has only multiplied and today hasn’t gotten off to a very good start.  I suppose this means I should be paying extra attention to “Blue’s Clues” this morning, as the lesson is in how to best deal with frustration (”Stop.  Breathe.  And think!”).  Somehow, though, I just don’t think that’s going to work for me today.

Thank you to everyone who posted words of encouragment on my little rant yesterday.  I was worried that my hormones had gotten the better of me and that I had overreacted.  And while I probably did at least a little, hearing that what this office did was pretty shitty after all really helped.  So thanks.  Sometimes, a person just needs to hear that they aren’t completely batshit crazy.

Today would be the day I would normally post a WordPress Bootcamp but you’ll have to forgive me if I’m not exactly feeling it.  I might do it tomorrow or I might put it off until next week.  We’ll see how many chidren survive the day today and how I feel about life at the end of it.

Is it possible to be both angry and tired at the same time?  And when I say angry, I really mean a range of negative emotions that include frustrated (”Stop.  Breathe.  And think!”), sad, guilty, annoyed, and resentful.  I feel so angry that I practically shake.  And at the same time, I’m so tired that I feel like I could fall asleep right here (perhaps even with my eyes open).  I want to crawl up into bed (perhaps even alone for a change, no offense, Evie) and sleep for weeks on end.  I want to just forget my responsibilities and float away.  At least for a little while (until the guilt got to be too much).

See, even now I’m feeling guilty for this post even existing and I’m tempted to just erase it and pretend it never existed.  But I’m going to go ahead and post it anyhow, before I let the guilt take over.