I don’t feel melancholy so much as I feel just… tired. Emotionally, at least (though I’m sure I feel tired physically as well, but caffeine does such a swell job of masking those pesky exhaustion symptoms). Which isn’t to say that this year still isn’t just the bee’s knees. On the whole, this year has been a vast improvement over last year so far. Which is impressive for being only a few short weeks into it. I have no general complains about this year so far. Things have been cranking along in a most satisfactory manner. Truly, I am blessed.
BUT. And here’s the reason for this post: What was once a bright spot in an otherwise dreary year last year, is now a blight against an otherwise peachy year. And that? Is what has me feeling kinda… meh. Well, sad too, I’m sure. Sad. Tired. Disappointed. Annoyed.
And all of these feelings are painfully close to becoming “over it.” And when I’m over it, I will be done as well. Because, as much as I feel there are things worth trying to save here… trying and trying and caring and hoping and ignoring and trying for this long with so little positive result is just… well it’s foolhardy. Don’t “they” say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? I don’t want to be insane. At least, any moreso than I already am.
It’s hard not to look back on last year, at this once bright spot and really want to reclaim that. To live in the memory of it. To bask in the unhealthy glow of it all. But the reality is that the bright spot is now a source of woe. And despite being naively hopeful, perhaps it’s time to face the music and realize that it ain’t gonna happen. And maybe, perhaps, throw in that proverbial towel and call it a day.
After all, nothing lasts forever. And while I would rather see things fizzle in a more amicable fashion rather than go out in a blaze of drama, it so rarely happens that I get my wish and sometimes endings ARE a blaze of drama. As much as I’d like to avoid it, being ignorantly stubborn to it doesn’t change the outcome any. And only serves to make my left eye twitch.
I’m sure the majority of you are reading this going, “What the HECK?” But I assure you. To virtually everyone who will read this, the issue is a non-issue. It’s nothing terribly LARGE in the grand scheme of things. So don’t be emailing or calling me to say, “What is going on!?? I hope it’s not (fill in the blank)!” Cuz it’s not. It’s probably only important to just me.
And that, my friends, is the problem.