Tag Archives: kids

Summer is so overrated

Let’s just pretend I’m not the worst and laziest blogger ever, okay?

So if you’ve been around here for any amount of time, you know that I don’t like summer much.  I’m not a fan of heat and having the kids home (and bored) is no picnic either.  I shouldn’t really complain too much tho.  The weather has been relatively mild this summer (SO FAR) (KNOCKS ON WOOD) and the boys just got back from spending a whole week with their grandparents leaving just Evie at home.

Still.  I’m ready for Fall.

Harry starts HIGH SCHOOL in August and I’m still kinda boggling at that.  How did he get to be almost 15 years old?  Liam goes into the second grade and Evie will start first.  That’s just in a matter of WEEKS now and that’s kinda awesome and amazing.

We’re looking at getting a new car.  It’s probably about time.  We’ve had our van since 2003, long past the time most people would have traded up.  I’m kinda excited about it, since I’ll be spending a lot of time fetching kids again this year.

Television shows come back in the Fall too.  That is probably the thing I’m most excited about.  Doctor Who isn’t included in my excitement, sadly.  Moffat is dead to me and I refuse to acknowledge anything that no-talent ass clown has been involved in.  I will not be watching.  I still remain a fan of the Russell T. Davies era, from 2005-2010, but I’m not the least bit interested in anything that has happened after that.  FEH.

On the other hand, there’s other shows I’m very into.  Once Upon a Time and The Originals are a couple shows I really enjoyed this last year.  I’m also way psyched for The Flash to premiere since it looks like its going to be one of the best new shows on TV.  And then, of course, there’s Arrow.  I’m so beyond excited about that show.  I’ve caught quite a few filming spoilers and hints at what season 3 is going to bring and I know enough to know that it’s going to be a wild, bumpy and fantastic ride.  What else would I expect, actually.  That show doesn’t get nearly enough recognition.

Comic Con is this week in San Diego and I’m weeping that I can’t be there, though I’m sure it’d be overwhelming if I was.  Mostly, I’m excited about the spoilers, trailers, interviews and panels that we’ll get to see come out of this.  So much exciting news!  This will be MUCH better than last year’s disappointing Doctor Who Comic Con experience.  Finally, shows/movies/etc that know how to treat the fans, both present and sitting at home.

So that’s a quick look at what’s going on with me.  I really hope to update more often but I have to remind myself to do it.  WHOOPS.  I’m debating doing something that might accomplish that and I’ll keep you guys posted on how that goes.

In the meantime, stay cool!  ;)

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In which someone needs to get the hint

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So… there was another new Doctor Who last night. “The Crimson Horror”, it was called.  Horror indeed.  Clearly, the fluke that was me actually LIKING “Rings of Akhaten”, “Cold War” and “Hide” was just that.  A fluke.  “Journey to the Centre of the TARDIS” last week and this one last night were dull at best and problematic at worst.  I’m hoping Neil Gaiman’s episode next week, featuring the cybermen, is a lot better.  But I’m not holding my breath.  Especially knowing that the following week is the series finale (that’s season finale, for you Americans out there) is titled “The Name of the Doctor” and is written by Steven Moffat.

I know of no one that wants to know the Doctor’s name.  That’s part of the FUN of the show, not knowing his name.  And while I don’t know if I really believe we’ll learn the name, I also would not put anything past Moffat and absolutely do not trust him.  The upshot of this is also a downside, however.  Because I’m not the only one who notices this and the ratings are starting to reflect it.  The ratings have been slipping ever since Christmas and surely the BBC is taking notice.  There has also been a lot of fandom backlash lately over reports that Moffat has said he doesn’t want the 50th anniversary episode to be a “fanfest” and that it’s about “looking forward, not looking back”.

Then, posts like this are becoming more and more common.   More and more people are noticing the issues with Moffat’s version of Doctor Who and are complaining.  And their complaints are VALID.  I can only hope that the BBC will take notice and Moffat will be replaced before the show is ruined entirely.

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Annnnnyhow… enough of that.

We saw Iron Man 3 this weekend.  We all went to see it, the whole family.  It worked out pretty well.  Liam and Evie got a little antsy.  Well, Liam more than Evie if you can believe it.  I think that kid was born with ants in his pants.  Evie just doesn’t like to sit still, so she’ll often stand or go sit on Kile’s lap or something.  But she usually stays pretty quiet and doesn’t make much fuss.

The movie was GREAT though and I thoroughly enjoyed it.  I think it was better than Iron Man 2, to be honest.  I want to see the new Star Trek next.  This is going to be a great summer for movies.

In other news, I can’t believe it’s MAY already.  What the heck.  That means the kids will be out of school soon and then what will I do?? I’ll have kids around all the time, driving me bonkers.  It’s what they do best, after all.  But the upside is I don’t have to go pick them up.  Silver lining’s folks.  And Evie will be starting kindergarten in August which kinda freaks me out, if we’re being perfectly honest.  That’ll be very strange.

Yes, lets not think about that just yet.

Kile finishes up his classes this week, which means he won’t have that hanging over his head anymore.  Or at least for the summer.  He’s been so busy this year, it’s practically criminal.  The poor guy needs a major break.

As for me, I just keep on doing what I do!  You know me. ;)

It it Tuesday? Is it NOVEMBER?

Where does the time go?  Not that I’m really complaining, mind, I am very anxious for cooler weather.  According to the weather forecast, we’re going to be getting some of that cooler weather by week’s end.  Despite being nearly 80 degrees today.  What is UP with that?  I think it’s summer’s last gasp.  There always is one, this is just later than usual.  But summer?  I got my eye on you.  Don’t get comfy.  Your days are NUMBERED.

So what’s been new around these parts?  Let’s see… what was going on the last time I updated?

*cringe*  OH WOW.  That was almost two months ago.  I’m so sorry!

Still picking up the boys 2-3 times a week.  I’ve gotten a lot more used to the procedure of it since then.  It’s a great opportunity to listen to music  (and oh lord, does my playlist like to give me feels!) (and no, I’m not explaining what “feels” are) and read on my iPhone.  NOT while driving.  Come on, people.  Give me some credit.  But there’s an awful lot of line-sitting and that’s excellent reading time right there.

The kids just all got over being sick which is ALWAYS fun.  Harry brought home the funk first.  He was rather pathetic (as all boys and men are, really), coughing and moaning all over the house.  Well, apparently he didn’t think there was anything wrong with DIRECTLY coughing on his little brother and sister.  *facepalm*  So a few days later they were sick as well!  That’s always fun, by the way.  When all the kids are sick.  *cue eye twitch*

Then, last week, I got my own little surprise.  No, I didn’t catch the cold too.  THANK GOODNESS.  No, last Monday I woke up and the first thing I noticed was the room spinning.  Before I even got out of bed!  It was almost like being drunk, but somehow MORE.  I got up to use the bathroom and the room pitched even more.  It was no longer fun, folks.  And I was really worried about WHAT was making me feel this way, because I felt fine other than the fact that it felt like my head was no longer attached to my body.  And I still had this crazy notion that the day could carry on as usual.  I even followed Kile downstairs, as I normally would do, intent on fixing the boys’ lunches.  Of course, by the time I made it down the stairs, there was no place for me BUT the couch.  So the couch is where I lay, trying to keep my head in one place and holding on for dear life.

The rest of the day consisted of me trying to keep my sense of balance.  That meant not moving any more than was absolutely necessary.  Poor Evie.  She really didn’t understand why I wouldn’t just hop up and get her things or go upstairs with her and why all I wanted to do was lie on the couch, staring at one fixed point on the ceiling.  It was horrible.  I then talked on the phone to my mom and she said it sounded exactly like benign positional vertigo, which is what she has.  Until she said that, the thought had never crossed my mind.  And of course that’s what it was.  Apparently, it kind of runs in families.  My mom has it, my aunt, my brother… I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.

Kile stayed home the next day and did this thing called the “Epley maneuever” on me which involves a series of movements meant to restore your natural balance.  It sounds goofy but it WORKS because hours later I felt amazingly better.  Then, of course, I messed it all up that night by giving into temptation and sleeping on my right side.  See, it became apparent after the early hours of suffering, that turning my head the right made everything worse than say turning to the left would.  That meant that my right side was the “affected” side and I should avoid it if possible.  Of course, I love to sleep on my right side and I was sleeping poorly at night on my left side.  So I slept on my right side and woke up in the morning DIZZY.  Not as bad as on Monday, but definitely much worse than I’d been after the maneuver.  Dangit.  That’ll learn me.  Kile did another maneuver that afternoon and by bedtime I was right as rain again.

I still have moments when I tilt my head or look in a particular direction.  Sometimes when I close my eyes in the shower, I’ll weave a little.  But it’s manageable.  And thank god for that.  Because there is almost nothing worse than being confined to a bed or a couch or whatever and not being able to do the things you want and need to do.  That aggravates me to no end.

Let’s see… what else…

Oh!  I voted early!  Go me!  I went on Nevada Day (the last Friday of October, to those not in the know) and voted and it felt good to get it out of the way.  But that means two weeks of sitting around, rolling my eyes at the ads and posts on Facebook and just waiting for the outcome.  I rather think the outcome is pretty inevitable.  I might be eating those words tonight but I don’t think I will be.

And guess what else??  I’m doing NaNoWriMo this year!  I KNOW.  I don’t even update this blog more than once every two months and I’m expected to write 1667 coherent words a day?  This is foolishness!  Remember when I used to do NaBloPoMo?  Do they even still have that?  I bet they do.  Just because *I* can’t seem to blog hardly at all (at least not here ;) ), doesn’t mean that others can’t.  I’m already well ahead of the game here on Day 5 with over 12k words.  Hopefully I can keep this up and hit the 50k word goal not just on time but AT ALL.  Though if I could hit it early, that’d be fabulous too. I’m rather proud of myself for just ATTEMPTING this.  It’s kind of a big deal and I actually made a last minute decision to go for it.  Fingers are crossed!

So that’s it.  That’s what’s new with me.  See, just because I’m not hanging around here very much doesn’t mean I don’t have things to talk about.  Now I’m going to leave you all what I think is a very pretty picture.  Hopefully you’ll agree with me.

Oh what a beautiful day!

I feel fine.

Let me repeat that: I feel fine.

I nearly lost track of how long I did NOT feel fine. But I’m pretty sure it came in at about a month and a half. And now, at long long last, I FEEL FINE. Okay, so maybe not entirely 100% (there’s still a bit of a cough and such), but as far as I’m concerned it’s close enough. And compared to about two weeks ago? I feel like I could run a marathon. And quite honestly, feeling fine makes me feel SO HAPPY. Amazing how being sick for so long can make you really appreciate feeling fine.

In fact, I would have written all of this yesterday, but that was the first day I really felt fine and I was busy just enjoying it (and getting a few things accomplished). I’m sure my good mood about feeling normal for a change will eventually wane but for now I’m just taking it as it comes.

Last week, as I was pulling away from that demon bronchitis, some intestinal distress set in. I’m pretty sure the anti-biotics were to blame. But that reared its head just about as we were preparing to go to San Jose for the weekend. As of Friday night (we were to leave Saturday morning), I wasn’t sure I was going to make it. I felt absolutely wretched. Because of course.

Luckily, the clouds parted the next morning just as we needed to leave and we made it on the road. And also luckily, the storm everyone had been hyping passed early and driving over the hill was a piece of cake.

 

The trip down was uneventful, which is just as we like it. And, I swear, the iPad paid for itself on that trip. I’d loaded it up with the kids favorite movies and we watched “Rio” and “Cars 2″ during the trip down. Not a PEEP from the back of the van. The kids loved it. And Kile and I loved the peace too.

Weather down in San Jose was slightly sketchy but we all know that’s the way I like it. Sunday morning my parents took us to breakfast out at the Cinnebar Golf Club and there is no better place to enjoy the lush green that is San Jose in the late winter/early spring than that. GORGEOUS.

 

Of course, mere minute after I snapped that pic, the skies opened up in a torrential downpour, complete with teeny hail. Still. Very beautiful.

It had been a long time since we’d been down for a visit. It’s always so wonderful to come for a visit. How many people can visit the home they grew up in these days. Many things are different, but even more things are the same. And I just love sharing it with my family.

 

Evie’s 4th birthday was Tuesday but since we had to travel that day, we celebrated with my parents the day before. We went out to dinner, had presents, and of course cake and ice cream. Evie had a blast and LOVED being the center of attention. I can’t believe she’s FOUR already. Where does the time go??

The next day, we had to leave pretty early so Kile could get back to work in the afternoon. We promised to return soon, perhaps during the summer months so the kids could enjoy the pool. And then on the road we went. And though it was still technically rush hour, once we got past the highway 85/87 interchange and metering lights, it was smooth sailing.

We stopped in West Sacramento, as usual, for a quick bite to eat before hitting the road again. Ironically, we we had worse weather over the summit on the trip back. It was warmer out, but we had fog and pesky drizzle that only served to mess up the van and limit visibility.

 

But once we hot Truckee, everything cleared up and we sailed into town. The pets were thrilled to see us and though the kids expressed some regret at leaving their grandparents, they soon were off reacquainting themselves with all their toys again.

So now we are home again and I’m feeling FINE and all is right with the world once more.

This is surely a sign that I have gotten old

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See this picture? I nabbed it off Pinterest but I’ve come across it before. And every time I see it, I think, “Oh my God… YES.”. Because I so totally do this. I consistently loose an entire decade. When people talk about something in 1992 having taken place 20 years ago, I ALWAYS think, rather derisively, “Fools, they mean ten years ago. Pfft.” (Even now, as I wrote the above sentence I had to stop and figure out if it was right. This totally proves my point.)

What the heck?? Why do I do this? The only possible explanation is the 2000’s were so heinous that I blocked them from my memory. I just erased an entire decade from my consciousness. And it would appear, via Pinterest, that I am not the only one.

Which leads me to conclude that my generation has officially become OLD. If you’ll excuse me, I need to go find my Metamucil and yell at some kids to get off my lawn.

Semi-Merry Christmas

This last week has been a blur.  Other than needing to be in Elko on Monday last week, we had nothing we ABSOLUTELY had to do.  We were leaves on the breeze, floating to where we needed to be, whenever we needed to be.  There really was no other way to be, given the circumstances.  Many people had agendas and we found the best tactic was to have no agenda ourselves.  And I’m happy to report that worked pretty well.

It was a rough week.  It’s hard to see your family hurting like that and not being able to do much at all to make it any better.  I hurt for them, especially during the somber (and rather chilly) graveside service last Wednesday.  The best I could really do was pray for peace.  Of course, there were glorious and much needed moments of levity sprinkled here and there.  A lot of family drove in for the service and evenings were spent talking, reminiscing and laughing.  That laughter was a salve for the soul.

We will be going back in early January for a special memorial service.  I’m hoping for less raw nerves but the little I know about grieving, I know better than to really expect that.  I know that grieving takes so much longer and there are many more hills to climb.  There will certainly be more praying.

We returned home to Reno on Friday and while Kile and I were determined to try to keep up the spirit for the sake of the kids (especially the little ones who didn’t really understand what was going on and were just simply excited for Christmas).  I think we were mostly successful.  This is judging from the enthusiastic reactions yesterday as we plowed into the rather gluttonous pile of gifts under the tree (seriously, next year we have to scale back.  WAY back.).  Christmas Eve was as wonderful as I could have hoped for.  We had a nice late lunch at Red Lobster, attended services at church and drove around looking at Christmas lights on the way home.  Then the kids all opened their Christmas pajamas and headed off to bed.  The rest of the night was spent assembling gifts and watching movies and then collapsing in a heap sometime around midnight.  And Christmas morning…. oy.  The aforementioned gluttonous pile was outrageous and we literally needed to take BREAKS.  I don’t remember exactly how long it took us to open everything but it took HOURS.  Crazyness.  But the kids were in heaven.

We had a nice dinner and just like that, Christmas was over.  It’s always bittersweet… I knew this Christmas was pretty much a lost cause as far as my own holiday spirit went.  I think I got as into it as I could and I think it was the same for Kile.  But it was so lovely watching the kids reactions and absorbing their joy.  THEY had a great Christmas and that’s the biggest thing.

Now next year, all bets are off.  We are having a fantastic Christmas or ELSE.

Need a little Christmas

Well.  I meant to post again before now but you know how it goes.  One thing and then another and then everything REALLY goes to pot and you just never, never know.  Life turns on a dime.

I meant to tell you all that my birthday wasn’t all that awful.  At least once Kile made it home and all that.  The day was just a wreck and I assure you it would have been a wreck even if it weren’t my birthday.   It was just a day where everything was going wrong.  And I was extra annoyed because it was my birthday and no one wants “one of those days” on their birthday.  And I also started to think that perhaps having a birthday at all in this day and age was for the birds because it only serves to breed discontent.  Bah humbug and all that.   The evening was downright nice though, with cake and presents and the knowledge that at least the day was over.

But you know?  I think that’s just the way of things this month.  This year.  I love love love the month of December but this month has done me (and mine) wrong and so now I’m mostly just looking forward to New Years Eve and watching that darned ball drop on yet another crap-tastic year.  I doubt any year could out-suck 2004, but 2011 is in close contention.  I won’t be sorry to see it’s back side.

No one is really in the mood this year.  Well, except for the little kids.  And it’s for them that we are trying to put on a good face.  But it’s hard.  I mean, we can’t even bring ourselves to finish decorating (who needs a wreath on the door?  bah humbug!).  We forget the kids advent calendars more often than not.  And Jeffrey the Shelf Elf has had some rather half-assed ideas for surprising the kids.  Our hearts aren’t quite in it.

You may recall me mentioning last year that my brother in law was diagnosed with a brain tumor.  I can’t recall if I mentioned it or not before things went “radio silence” on Facebook about such things.  I could look it up but I just don’t have it in me at the moment.  Anyhow, we found out last October and he spent the year traveling back and forth between Elko and Salt Lake City for treatments.  We went to Elko for both Thanksgiving and Christmas last year.  Mostly because we’d read up on the odds.  And we wanted to spend what could be his last holidays with him.

He made it to another Thanksgiving.  But Christmas?  Not so much.  We got the call that he passed on Saturday morning.  All of my desperate prayers this last month for him to make it past Christmas for the sake of his family were for naught.  Oh, I’m sure it’s for the best as far as he is concerned.  But the rest of us?  For his family?  No.  This is awful and it’s awful timing.  No two ways about it.

So tomorrow morning we’re loading up and heading east to Elko where we’ll be until Friday.  It’s going to be a hard week.  If we were having a hard time getting in the spirit before, I can only imagine how hard it’ll be now.  But we have to try.   And I will be happy when Christmas is past and we can just go back to dealing.

Better luck next year?

“Haul out the holly
Put up the tree before my spirit falls again
Fill up the stocking
I may be rushing things, but deck the halls again now

 

For we need a little Christmas
Right this very minute
Candles in the window
Carols at the spinet

Yes, we need a little Christmas
Right this very minute
It hasn’t snowed a single flurry
But Santa, dear, we’re in a hurry

 

So climb down the chimney
Turn on the brightest string of light I’ve ever seen
Slice up the fruitcake
It’s time we hung some tinsel on that evergreen bough

 

For I’ve grown a little leaner
Grown a little colder
Grown a little sadder
Grown a little older

 

And I need a little angel
Sitting on my shoulder
Need a little CHristmas now

 

For we need a little music
Need a little laughter
Need a little singing
Ringing through the rafter

 

And we need a little snappy
“Happy ever after”
Need a little Christmas now”

Birthday blah blah

So yeah.  Another year and another birthday.  This year, my birthday falls on a MONDAY.  Which in itself is a cosmic slap in the face.  Mondays kind of blow all on their own.  Add your birthday onto that and it’s double-suck.  It’s always been my policy that the best gift you can give yourself on your birthday is a day off.  When you stay at home with kids, there ain’t no such thing.   There’s no “substitute mom” service I can call up and have come over to fix lunches, make the school run, change diapers (yes, Evie is STILL not potty trained KILL ME NOW), deal with naps, etc and so forth.  Basically you’re talking about business as usual with the usual post-weekend letdown.  Add to that your birthday, which you have this niggling feeling should be special somehow but it’s just so so so not.

Of course, this is pretty much par for the course for this year.  I know I complain about every year but I think 2011 has stood out as a bad year.  While last year was bad for me personally with the health struggles and depression (and that has been improved somewhat this year), this year has been absolutely awful around the globe.  Honestly, even if the movies are right and the world ends in 2012, I doubt even then it couldn’t add up to be a worse year than this last one. I’m ready for a break from the devastating earthquakes, tsunamis, tornados, hurricanes, uprisings, protests, poverty, and devastation that this last year has brought to us.  So when I sit here feeling sorry for myself on this lame-ass Monday birthday, all I have to do is remember all the awful things that have happened to other people this year and I am served with a generous helping of perspective.

But then again, that doesn’t always help either because on the one hand I’m wallowing in my own self-pity and the next minute I feel like a complete tool for feeling so down about something that so does NOT even come close to mattering in the grand scheme of things.  Kinda makes me want to slap myself in the face, you know?

So I think I’d rather this day just be over and done already.  So I don’t have it weighing on me.  Because I know I’ll be going back and forth on this all day long and the only thing that will cure it will be the day ending.

So excited and SO nervous

Today is Liam’s first day of Kindergarten.  This is a day I feel like I’ve been anticipating since Evie was born and Liam decided he was going to perform the “wild child” duties for our family.  And when I found out that he would be going ALL DAY LONG, well, that just sweetened the deal.  But then again.  He’s a little guy physically.  He’s also on the young side, having only just turned 5 barely a month ago.  And he’s pretty immature (a result, I’m sure of being around his younger sister so much and clamoring for the attention she has received).  School… all day… I haven’t been sure the poor kid can hold up to it.  And, quite honestly, I’m half expecting a phone call from the office telling me to come pick him up any moment.

My nerves about today have been growing steadily over the last week.  Last night?  I had a hard time falling asleep.  And then staying asleep.  And this morning I was up early, a bundle of nervous energy fixing his lunch and making sure his backpack was together.  He ran downstairs this morning, dressed in a fine outfit and looking very excited.  But I detected some nerves on his part as well.  Especially when time drew near to leave the house.  He asked Evie if she was going to miss him.  And then he asked her to say goodbye to him.  She obliged of course, not entirely understanding the significance of this day, I’m sure.

Harry kept an eye on Evie for us while we drove Liam down to school.  The nearer we got to the kindergarten, the quieter and slower he got.  The yard was full of parents, grandparents and siblings and other nervous kindergarteners.  A few were enjoying the playground equipment, but most of the others hung around their parents legs, watching.  Liam was in the former group.

This was the closest to a smile that I was going to get.

His teacher didn’t show up until the bell rang.  By that time the kids had already begun to form a rudimentary line up.  And Liam’s nerves started to show in earnest.  We could barely get him to look at us, much less smile.  He fidgeted, wiping his nose and playing with the straps on his backpack.

He looked so little standing in that line.  And yes, there were quite a few kids who were bigger than he was.  But we were surprised that he wasn’t the smallest kid there either.  Not that there were any kids smaller than him but plenty that were his size.  So that made us feel a bit better.  And hopefully, it’ll make him feel better too.

Liam's First Day of Kindergarten
Definitely no smiles now.

We snapped a last picture before the kids filed into the classroom.  I felt a lot more choked up than I expected to be.  This was… IS a huge step.  Yesterday was the end of the Old Era.  Today was the dawn of a New Era.  However it all ends up working out, things will be different from now on and they won’t ever be like they were.  Which isn’t a bad thing.  But change is pretty much always scary.

And while I sit here at home with Evie, marveling at how quiet and peaceful everything is, there is a large part of me that can’t wait to pick him up at 3pm, to see what he thought of his first day of school.

The Tale of Fail

I’m not even going to mention the movie I was watching that made this post pop into my head.  Because it’s that embarrassing (to my credit: I was too lazy to change the channel when it came on) (well, that’s probably not as much “to my credit” as I might hope, huh?).  And also, this has been something weighing on my head for a while now, especially the last week or two.  Because the last week or two has been HARD.

Let me back up for a minute.

Waaaay up.

Ever since Harry was, oh, six month old… I wanted to have more kids.  This was a driving need of mine for so so many years.  Me, who never wanted kids when I was in high school, was obsessed with the idea of growing my family.  I wanted more babies to nurture and love.  And then it was so hard to have those babies.  For so long.  The thing is… you would think that all those years of wanting and needing and aching would mean that I would be so fulfilled by finally achieving my dreams of a larger family.

But… no.  Well, more like… not really.

It’s so hard.  Some days are harder than others.  And the last week or so has been particularly difficult.  The thing is, I found that I’m a fairly decent mom when I can be one on one with my kids.  Harry had my undivided attention for 6 years.  And while I know there were moments, and he was a particularly laid-back child, it was so much EASIER.  We could leave the house (add in that we were so close to shopping and out here we are so NOT close to ANYTHING), have lunch with Kile, go to MOPS, take naps together, whatever!  And I’m sure my memories might be sugarcoating it a bit but… I still think it was better than now. Anything is better than now.

Well, maybe not *anything*.

See, and that’s where the guilt comes in.  I wanted this.  I asked for this.  I, in essence, doomed myself.

And I’m just failing all over the place.  Liam and Evie being so close in age and Liam being so incredibly Type A in a family of Type Bs is just killing me.  Liam one on one is a perfectly lovely child.  But add in any amounts of chaos and stimulation or any other children at all and OMG.  And sometimes, like this last week, he doesn’t need outside stimulation.  He just needs to be in his room for “naptime”.   That’s when the rampant destruction and unspeakable acts occur.  And my cheese slides off my cracker.  And then I just KNOW that I am without a doubt the worst mother in all the world.

Because I would LOVE to have a break from all this.  But being a mom means you don’t get a break.  Especially not when you stay home.  Especially not when you have no family nearby to take a kid or two overnight.

And really, I know how truly silly this all is.  In the grand scheme of things, these issues of mine are small potatoes.  TEENY potatoes, even.

Right now I’m clinging on the hope that a few more or these kids going to school will really help me get the breathing room that I need.  Don’t shatter my illusions just yet, you mothers of older children!

Let me have my dreams.