I’m feeling awful warm and snuggly about my kids these days.  Yes, they drive me to the brink of sanity DAILY, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love ‘em more than my luggage.

Liam has been talking more and more and the things that come out of his mouth just charm me again and again.   He may be an ornery turd on many occasions, but you can’t deny that he’s cute.  And when he’s requesting his third viewing of “Cars” that day… well that’s kinda cute too.  And so is the little dark look and stomped foot when I say, “No way, Jose.”  With his newfound vocabulary, we’re having a much easier time getting our requests, demands and reprimands through to him.  Sure, he doesn’t listen 100% of the time (what kid does?), but to see him actually DO something we tell him to?  Well that’s just plain awesome.

The other day, he had a little pan of cereal, much like the one pictured above.  He loves me to put his cereal for breakfast into one of the bowls or pots that came with the play kitchen he and Evie got for Christmas.  He had it over on the “counter” in the play kitchen and was having himself a little feast.  Evie determined that someone was eating something and since she is all “FOODNOMNOMNOM” these days, she booked over there to share in the fun.  Liam’s instinct was to push her aside and thwap her on the head.  I reprimanded him and then, not hoping for much, asked very nicely if he could share a little with her.. let her have a little too?  At best, I figured he might portion out a few kernels of cereal in front of her and keep the rest to himself.   But, bless his heart, he passed over the whole pan full and let her have her fill.

Of course, then she up-ended it all over the floor.  But seriously, for a minute there, I thought my heart was going to burst from pride.

He’s been doing that more and more lately.  Listening to requests of mine and acting on them.  And I’ve been very sure to praise him heavily every time he does something kind to his sister or does something for me when I ask him to.  So far, he seems to really like the praise.  So I’m hoping this means we’ll see a lot more of this “Nice Liam” in the future.

They still don’t play that great together, but it’s coming, little by little.  Right now, they’re both sitting on the couch (sans cushions because that’s the only way Evie can climb on it is when the cushions are removed), eating some graham crackers for snack and watching “The Backyardigans”.  Evie will kick her feet and Liam will do the same and much giggling ensues.  Moments like these are golden.  They are golden because they are RARE.  More often than not, Evie has grabbed one of Liam’s cars that he has lined up so dutifully on the back of the couch (see above photo) and this earns her a shove and a thwack on the head.  She cries, I yell at Liam, lather, rinse, repeat.  So I make sure I enjoy the golden moments that much more.

Evie is knocking on the door of 15 months and is growing up before my very eyes.  She is WALKING.  Did I mention that?  In the last week or so, she has gone from cruising around furniture, to taking a step or two here and there when she thinks no one is watching to flat out walking across the floor.  Is her technique flawless?  Oh heck no. It’s a good thing this girl is cloth diapered because otherwise her rump would be black and blue from all the times she has plopped down on it.  But seriously.  WALKING.  God help us all.

She’s also getting better with the sippy cup.  Just today, in fact, I gave her some water with a splash of apple juice in it and she has downed that sucker.  This is amazing progress.  Now if I can get her drinking milk reliably out of a sippy cup, maybe she’ll decide to wean.

That’s a slippery slope right there.  Weaning.  I’ve never nursed for this long before and I think it’s actually pretty awesome.  I’m loathe to shut the door on our nursing relationship because it will also be shutting the door on nursing altogether.  At the same time, I know it’s natural for her to grow up and away from me as a source of nutrition.  And the nursing has been taking a toll on me health-wise because DUH, I am The Lame when it comes to things like taking vitamins and making sure I keep myself healthy.  But I don’t really want it to end.  At the same time I know that it has to.

*cough* Anyhow.  Where was I?

Oh yes.  My little girl.  With her wispy-curly hair (Fuzzhead, I often call her).   And her dimpled grins.  And her tendancy to turn really, really cranky if she’s not fed on time.  This girl loves FOOD.  She will eat ANYTHING.  And a lot of it while she’s at it.  She’s Liam’s polar opposite in the eating department, which is kind of a breath of fresh air.  In fact, if anything, she’s liable to steal your food from you.  I guess if she flashes that dimple at you while she does it, that makes it okay.

Okay, well Liam is trying to sit on Evie and she’s rubbing her eyes and acting tired (a whole two and a half hours EARLY!) so I guess the golden moment is over.  Time to return to reality.  Thanks for joining me on this rose-colored love-fest though!

Thanks for the kind emails a few of you sent me after yesterday’s post.  I wasn’t looking for any feedback, hence why I closed comments.  But kind words are always appreciated.

I want to put out there that nothing in particular happened to spur on my words of woe.  Most of all, it came from the dark place I found myself in late on Monday night when I dreaded the next morning and the next week.  I had SUCH a nice weekend here with my family.  We didn’t do anything particularly exciting or out of the ordinary.  But we had fun together and even the ordinary stuff was enjoyable.  I wasn’t at all ready for the weekend to be over.  I dreaded the daily monotony that I knew was waiting for me on Tuesday morning.

I think pretty much everyone was dreading and/or disliking yesterday.  Mondays are bad enough, because very few people are ever happy to see the weekend come to an end.  But for some reason, the Tuesday after a three day weekend is twice as awful.  Maybe even THREE TIMES.  It’s harder to wake up, harder to motivate, harder to let go the happy, contented vacation days.  Of course, all this said, I don’t think I would ever turn away a three day weekend simply because I dread the next work day.  But I still will wish for a four day weekend here and there too.

So yeah, we had a great weekend around here.  I do love hanging out with my family.  We don’t have to be doing anything too fantastic either, just doing what we do together and I’m happy enough just to be content.  Which isn’t to say that Liam didn’t challenge our patience and Evie didn’t keep me up at night.  But it’s easier to deal with it all when Kile is home too.  As much as I know he has to work during the week, I do miss his support.  And it makes the weekends all that much more sweeter.

Speaking of the little kids…

In the interest of being fair, though, I want to share a list of things about Liam that bring a smile to my face and warm my heart.  Because even though he’s nearly three and very GOOD at being nearly three, there are many things about him that are just wonderful and that I wouldn’t change for a million dollars.

• the way he says “eat da nummies?” when he wants to have something to eat.
• the way he says “Cahs” (Cars), “May-er” (Mater), and “Waw-wee” (Wall-E) when he wants to watch his favorite movies.
• his infectious giggle when he’s delighted.
• his sparkling blue eyes.
• his spontaneous hugs and kisses.
• the way he loves to sing the Alphabet Song before bed each night.
• that “Word World” is his favorite show.
• that even his temper tantrums are adorable (you should see him tell Harry off, saying “Go Way!” and stomping his foot… SO CUTE).

And like I said, I want to be fair so here is a list of things Evie does that sorta make me want to tear my hair out (just as soon as I nom on her chubby baby legs, that is).

• her whole “let’s get up in the middle of the night several times to eat even though I’ve been sleeping through” thing.  That’s gotta end.
• her insistence on crawling behind the recliners to get at my yarn and knitting projects.
• the way she will cram her mouth full of food and not chew properly before swallowing thereby giving me a heart attack when she starts to choke.
• the way she wriggles and trys to flip over when on the changing table.
• how she has to grab EVERYTHING.
• including glasses left on the table between our chairs which she then attempts to dump the contents of all over herself as well as any knitting I may be working on.

For the most part though?  I have some awesome kids.  Sure, they try my patience but isn’t that what kids are supposed to do?  Otherwise, why would we ever want them to leave the house when they grow up?  Think about it!

Happy Hump Day, ya’ll!  The weekend will be here before you know it!

So the week has found me. I tried to hide, but it was hard to disguise my location when Evie kept getting me up all night long. Thankfully, I had the presence of mind to deny her milk. She didn’t NEED to nurse at 2:22 in the morning. She really WANTED to, but she didn’t NEED to. Not when she’d nursed at 11:35. And I think I got to sleep close to 1. So yeah, THANKS Evie. And she kept trying to wake up after that but I wasn’t having it.

I finally gave in at 6:30. The sun was up and shining brightly into both of our rooms (seriously, what’s the deal? When will it stop doing that so damned early?) so I couldn’t quite justify denying her. Even though I felt pretty wasted.

Thing is: I’m hanging on by a pretty thin thread these days.  Kile has asked me why and I have no answer.  I don’t know WHY.  If I knew why, then maybe I could fix it.  But its been something that has come and gone in waves.  And it’s something that has been particularly bad the last year or so.  Actually, more like two years.  My coping skills have degraded severely.  My ability to deal with stressful situations has become almost non-existant.  I’ve been a recluse, closeted and withdrawn.  I’ve had social confidence and contentment leeched out of me.  Not having MOPS this last year was a BAD THING indeed.

When Harry was two and three years old, it was different.  It was just him and me, life hadn’t slapped me around quite as much and the opportunities were more plentiful.  And, let’s face it, I wasn’t such a closeted freak.  We would go to story time at the library on Tuesdays, MOPS on Wednesdays, lunch with Kile at the University on Fridays…  I didn’t think anything of taking Harry shopping with me.  He was a great shopper, content to sit in the cart and watch the world go by.  I never felt trapped in the house with him.   And when we had our rental house, he was often very happy to play out in the backyard, be it in the snow in the winter or the dirt and grass in the summer.

Things are different now.   Before Evie was born, I had no problem leaving the house with Liam.  We didn’t do lunch with Kile anymore, and I didn’t do as much shopping, but there was MOPS and we had friends to go hang out with and I never hesitated to take Liam along on an errand if I needed to go somewhere.  But with Evie now, I don’t feel like I have that freedom.  And I do realize this is my own doing.  Many moms have no trouble wrangling together their herd to leave the house.  I just don’t have that confidence.  The notion of going to the park with both kids by myself makes my blood run cold.  What if Liam runs off (as he would surely do) while I’m dealing with Evie?  I don’t think I would have the energy to deal with it.  Shopping would be impossible since most stores I would go to only have single carts and I can’t push two carts by myself.  (I have to laugh at loud of the notion of letting Liam just walk outside the cart.  HA!)  We have no MOPS and no friends and therefore no adult interaction outside that of seeing my husband at the end of each day.   I’m hesitant to try to make any new friends since all attempts in the past have been such ginormous FAILs that I am extremely wary of putting myself out there again.

At the end of the day, it’s just easier to stay home.  To shut myself in.  And with no yard for Liam to play in (yes, still, after living here 5 years… circumstance is a bitch), he has nowhere to run off his energy.  So he gets bored and restless.  Add in some healthy jealousy of his sister, and you’ve got a recipe for chaos.  And frayed nerves.  I’m sort of depressed these days anyhow, and the chaos is directly opposed to my calm-seeking personality.  So… yeah.   By the end of the day, I’m at my wits end.  And since Evie has decided to wake up a couple times a night again (WTF, darling daughter?), I’m exhausted too.

And I know this is all my own doing, so please spare me the “quit whining and do something” speeches.  Because I know.  But at the same time, I feel caught inside a vicious circle and the way out just isn’t quite so clear.  I’m focused on just making it through the day right now.  Day by day, hour by hour.  It’s the best I can do.  And that’ll do for now.

First, a clarification on my “Tough Job” post.  There were a few comments that said, “Hey, I get all happy and bake cookies sometimes!”  So yeah, I didn’t mean to cast dispersions on cookie baking.  We all do that from time to time.  Yes, even ME.  There are days that you feel all warm and snugly and content and domestic.  For sure!  No way would any of us stick with this if we didn’t, right?  What I was talking about were the people who pretend like they never have a negative thought about being a stay at home mom (perish the thought and a pox upon you for feeling that way!).  These are the ones who, regardless if they honestly feel that way all the time or not, make those of us who definitely do NOT feel that way all the time like a pile of crap.  And it’s not to say that they want to make other mom’s feel like a pile of crap.  That could be the furthest thing from their minds.   As for those who DO want to make other moms feel like a pile of crap?  There’s a special spot in Hell for them.

Basically the way I feel is: staying at home with children is back breaking, soul crushing, mind numbing work.  There is no vacation, no break, no weekend and no sick days.  There’s just more of the same, day in and day out.  And all the trays of cookies in the world couldn’t change that.  We all look for the positive in things because we have to.  We don’t dwell on the awfulness because if we did, we’d go crazy.  But it’s there.  It’s always there.

Of course, warm hugs from snuggly children sure help too.

It’s also quite possible that people who are overly perky all the time make me want to slam my head in the door.   You know that old saying where if you don’t have anything nice to say, you best say nothing at all?  I think the opposite can be true.  If all you want to do is spout happiness and unicorns, then maybe just try to limit it a touch for those of us who didn’t get our daily rationing of coffee that morning.

Just sayin’.

In other news: I’m watching “Cars” for perhaps the 38th time this month.  It makes Liam mellow, which this morning was a neccesity.  He was starting to go thermonuclear.  I just want to pause for a moment and praise the dudes at Pixar for making visual crack for our children that DOESN’T make my brain bleed.

And in other, other news: Facebook is freakin’ addictive.  And I don’t even play games on there because most of the games are lame-o.  Yes, even that game that you love.  TRUST ME.  But I am addicted (just a little bit) to some of the quizzes and such.  And I love checking my friends’ and family’s statuses.  Facebook is FUN.  It is also a TIME SUCK.

In other, other, other news:  I love my iPhone.  I know you’re all sick to death of hearing me say that but I just saw those of you out there in the audience who have one too nod your heads knowingly.  It is quite simply the best thing I’ve ever owned.  I am forever amazed and thrilled with all the things it can do.  There’s a lot of stuff in my life that I would give up before I ever gave up my iPhone.

Okay.  I think I’m done.  With all that off my chest now, I’m going to share a cute little video of my girl discovering just how bouncy the couch is when it is removed of it’s cushions.

Whenever you hear about stay at home moms say how hard their job is, I think it automatically conjurs up this image of slaving away over some difficult physical task, or wracking your brown over an intellectually difficult issue.  But that’s not what makes being a stay at home mom hard.

It’s not physical or mental (or at least not all of it because it is that too).  It’s psychological.

Psychologically, staying at home with small children is hard.  Very, very hard.  Even if the children are extremely well behaved (which, lets face it, mine aren’t), the drain on your psyche would still be there.   And though your nerves are taxed to their very limits, you still have diapers to change, lunches to fix, sippy cups to fill, boo-boos to kiss better, baby’s to nurse and everything else that goes along with it.  It’s a long list.  You have to hear the same old songs and watch the same old preschool programming on television because as mind-numbing and god-awful as it is, it soothes the savage beasts and sometimes you need them to be soothed.  You have to say for the 7,643,495th time, “Liam!  Don’t hit your sister!”  You have to enforce the rules.  You have to give cuddles when they need them (and they always need them when your hands are full with something else).   You have to paw through the pantry in search of lunch food, wondering where all the graham crackers went anyhow.  You have to play the psychological games to make your overbearing toddler still think he’s getting his way when in reality, he’s getting YOUR way.  You have to figure out why the baby is unsatisfied and clingy and needy and then listen to her when you have to set her down to go change her brother’s diaper.

At the end of the day, you breathe a sigh of relief for a few moments to yourself.  And then you wake up in the morning and it all starts over again.  Each and every day.  The same.  No weekends.  No vacations.  No coffee break.  There is no escape.  Just more of the same, day after day after day.

And before long you find yourself wondering, “Is this all there is?”  And “Who am I?  Do I even know me anymore?”  And sometimes even, “What is the point?”

Of course, all it takes are those little moments where you your toddler crawls up on your lap and gives you a kiss, completely unprovoked or the baby flashes her dimple at you when you get her out of her crib after her nap and those little moments really do help you hold onto your sanity.  Because if it weren’t for those moments, you would have run screaming into traffic ages ago.

Then you see those moms who have it all together.  Who gush and say that they just love staying home and taking care of their children is a joy and a blessing.  Oh sure, it’s hard at times but they wouldn’t have it any other way and gosh, isn’t the sky blue today?  Then they bake another tray of cookies and moms like myself are thankful there aren’t any guns in the house because that would be the PERFECT time to put one to their temple and pull the trigger.   Are these “super moms” a myth?  I mean, we’ve all heard woman SAY this stuff, but do they really mean it?  I’d like to think that they don’t but maybe some of them do?   And if they do, then what the heck is the matter with ME?

And there the cycle of worthlessness continues.  But you don’t have time to wallow because someone just woke up in the night and you have to find a way to get her back to sleep without nursing her because you’re trying to wean her at night.

It’s hard.  Every day.  It’s hard.