I am not domestically inclined. I hate doing housework, I’m not a very inventive cook and I couldn’t organize to save my life. My home reflects this about me. I would like a clean house, dinner on the table and a more organized lifestyle but I am at a loss as how to achieve that. I am a huge housewife FAIL.
I’m not “one of those” moms. I don’t volunteer at my son’s school, drive carpools, attend a plethora of playdates or throw fantastic birthday parties. All of that stuff is way, way, WAY outside my comfort zone. And I worry that this is going to negatively impact my children. Socially. I already see it with Harry and it makes me feel guilty like you would not believe.
I’m not beautiful. There are a lot of things about myself that think are downright unattractive. Whenever I get my hair cut or dyed, buy new clothes or shoes or purchase and wear makeup, that is just me trying to make myself bearable to myself.
I’m not socially talented. This swings both ways. While I’m not very good at putting myself out there, it also means that I don’t employ a lot of “tactics” that I think a lot of women just assume that other women use. I don’t hang around people I don’t enjoy, so please don’t think me the sort to be manipulative or schemey. What you see is pretty much what you get.
By the same token, I don’t pick up “hints” very well. Because, as I said, I’m not socially talented. I virtually always need someone to come right out and say something if they want me to do something. Because chances are, I’m not going to come up with it on my own. I wish I could, but my brain just doesn’t work that way.
I’m not at all outgoing. This means I don’t call anyone on the phone (and when I say anyone I mean ANYONE) (I call my mom and I call Kile and THAT’S ABOUT IT). I don’t approach people out in public. I don’t stick my nose out in pretty much any social situation. I’m painfully shy and bad social experiences seem to only reinforce this backward behavior.
I’m not the sort that shows her feelings all the time. I generally try to put for a very calm personna and it works pretty well. It’s a coping mechanism. But I do experience hurt and sadness. Depression and anger. If you knew me several years back, after we lost Jackson, and thought, “Wow, she is so strong! I don’t know how she does it!” just know that behind the scenes, I was a complete and utter waste of a person. I still am in many regards.
I’m aware that there are some of you who don’t like to read posts like this. I’m sorry. I’m just in a mood today. It’s been a rough day around here. And these are all things that I think and that I know about myself. It’s not opinion, it is fact. It’s not very happy or pretty, but it is fact.
