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self-image

Self-consciousness and BlogHer

by Marilyn on July 2, 2008

Perhaps, just maybe, it’s ironic that I’m speaking on a panel about overcoming introversion at BlogHer this year and I find myself feeling rather, well, introverted about it all?  I don’t know.  I never could really pin down the definition of irony, after all.  Dang that Alanis Morrisette.  She totally screwed me over with that one.

Some of you who are going to BlogHer this year have met me at past BlogHer conferences.  Some of you have not.  For those of you who have not, I want to be sure to tell you what to expect when and if you see me there.  What to look for.  We don’t get a really good physical representation of ourselves on these blogs and I so rarely ever take pictures of myself.  So here goes:

  • Despite the hip, new haircut, I’m really rather dorky.  It shows in my physical personna.
  • I am tall, about 5′8, and awkward with it.  I don’t wear heels because I don’t want to emphasize it.
  • I’m also large boned which makes me feel like a hulkish freak at times.  Tall and Large.  Fantastic.
  • Add to that all the excess baby weight that is hanging around.  So yeah, that’s my way of saying I’mon the chunky side.  I definitely have some extra padding (read: back fat, jiggly arms, thunder thighs, floppy belly, big ol’ boobs… you name it).
  • I wear glasses.  I take them off usually for pictures of myself but I do wear them all the time.  I can’t see, otherwise.
  • My clothes are either out of fashion or ill-fitting or both.  I’ve never been very good at knowing what looks good on me.
  • I have big feet, which will probably be wearing flip flops.  Unless I’m wearing jeans. Then I’ll wear sneakers.
  • My nails are messed UP.  I hope to have them painted and hopefully looking halfway presentable but they’re an issue for me right now.
  • My teeth aren’t so great either.  I have an enormous mouth and big teeth and they don’t look THAT great.  I see myself smiling in pictures and cringe half the time.  I hope to whiten them before going so at least they’ll be white, you know?
  • I’m not entirely sure I know what to do with my new ‘do.  I’ve tried a couple times so far and so far it looks pretty sad.  Plus, you know, mah hairs is all gone!  I’m not used to it yet.

So there you go.  Paints a pretty picture, huh?  I’m thinking I did one of these last year too.  Shows you what a self-conscious twit I can be.  But… there you have it.

Also: Am still stressing the budget.  I SO want to stay at the Westin on Friday night.  But Kile keeps hemming and hawing.  He tells me to raise the money.  RIGHT.  And how would I do that?  Perform a little magic trick and it’ll appear?  Voila!  Wouldn’t that be nice?  I’m going to try to sell some of my maternity clothes (now that I don’t need them anymore) that still look nice (the rest are getting donated) and see what that brings in.  I have my latest ad revenue check from BlogHer.  But beyond that?  Ehhhh…

I hate to even SAY it but I considered putting up a PayPal donate button in the sidebar.  You know one of those, “Help me go to BlogHer!” type deals.  But I don’t know, that just feels… weird.  I hate to even think it.  Still, it may come to that.  Perhaps I could offer up some swag to donators come August when the budget has righted itself once more and I can make it to the post office.

I don’t know.  I hate to ask anything of you guys.  You’re all so fabulous and I’m just amazed that I have any readers here at ALL.  You guys, for lack of a better word, ROCK.  I should be sending you guys swag just for showing up day by day.

At BlogHer ‘08…

by Marilyn on May 15, 2008

I'm Speaking at BlogHer 08I don’t know if you knew, but I’m going to be at BlogHer this summer. Yeah, I may have mentioned it once or twice. I’m excited about it. I’m going to get to see some old friends and hopefully, some new ones. And all the even NEWER friends I might meet! The possibilities are endless and truly one of my favorite things about going to BlogHer is discovering new blogs and meeting new people. It’s a lot like summer camp that way, I guess (not that I’ve ever actually been to summer camp). Even though we’re going to be staying with my parents down in San Jose that weekend, we have actually reserved a hotel room at the Westin for Friday night, so I’ll only have to worry about commuting up from San Jose on Friday morning instead of both mornings (which was really stressing me out). That’ll be fun too, even though we’ll have two little kids with us.

I'm Breastfeeding at BlogHer 08Yeah, Evie will be hitching a ride with me for the duration of the conference. I’m guessing that even though she will be pushing four months, she’ll still be a perpetual “nurse me/hold me” baby. As for Liam, he will either camp out in childcare or sightsee around S.F. with Kile. Having both the kids with us means we can’t really go to the cocktail party. Either Friday OR Saturday (but especially Friday, when the party is at a nightclub). So it would seem we’ll be making our own fun instead. And you know? That’s cool. I’m just so happy that I’m going to be there PERIOD, that a cocktail party doesn’t make much of a difference.

I'm Wearing Cute Shoes at BlogHer 08But I’d be totally lying if I said that I wasn’t feeling very nervous too. I do every year, that’s true. Maybe not so much last year because I had Zoot as a human shield. But being around massive amounts of people tends to make my insides turn to churning acid.  I’ve purchased some nice clothes that I can hopefully wear some of to the conference.  I should probably hunt down some cute shoes, to be honest, but as far as fashion goes, I think I’m doing pretty good.  The rest of me? Well…

I’d like to think that I’ll lose a bunch of baby weight between now and July but I’m not hanging many hopes on it.  For one thing, I’m not taking thyroid medication.  This makes me nervous because it was the unhappy thyroid that caused me to pack on the pounds in the first place.  And, like a lot of women, I’m self-conscious about it.  I worry about what other women will think when they see me.  I see pictures of myself from past BlogHer’s and am horrified that people saw me looking like that.  And, truthfully, the weight is only part of that.  In general, I don’t care for how I look.  My hair rarely behaves or looks like anything remotely decent.  My face, particularly these days, is blotchy and uneven and I’m pathetically poor at applying makeup to improve the appearance.  My features make me cringe to see them: eyes too small, nose too wide, chin too large, teeth too discolored… Not to mention I’m too tall to begin with and my bones resemble those of a linebacker.  Nothing petite here.  All gangly and awkward.  Even when I do take my glasses off.

Me, sans glasses

I hope some of you won’t mind hanging out with me anyhow.  In the meantime, I’m going to try to work on my self-image and self-confidence.  I’ll get there.  Hopefully.