I’m feeling awful warm and snuggly about my kids these days.  Yes, they drive me to the brink of sanity DAILY, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love ‘em more than my luggage.

Liam has been talking more and more and the things that come out of his mouth just charm me again and again.   He may be an ornery turd on many occasions, but you can’t deny that he’s cute.  And when he’s requesting his third viewing of “Cars” that day… well that’s kinda cute too.  And so is the little dark look and stomped foot when I say, “No way, Jose.”  With his newfound vocabulary, we’re having a much easier time getting our requests, demands and reprimands through to him.  Sure, he doesn’t listen 100% of the time (what kid does?), but to see him actually DO something we tell him to?  Well that’s just plain awesome.

The other day, he had a little pan of cereal, much like the one pictured above.  He loves me to put his cereal for breakfast into one of the bowls or pots that came with the play kitchen he and Evie got for Christmas.  He had it over on the “counter” in the play kitchen and was having himself a little feast.  Evie determined that someone was eating something and since she is all “FOODNOMNOMNOM” these days, she booked over there to share in the fun.  Liam’s instinct was to push her aside and thwap her on the head.  I reprimanded him and then, not hoping for much, asked very nicely if he could share a little with her.. let her have a little too?  At best, I figured he might portion out a few kernels of cereal in front of her and keep the rest to himself.   But, bless his heart, he passed over the whole pan full and let her have her fill.

Of course, then she up-ended it all over the floor.  But seriously, for a minute there, I thought my heart was going to burst from pride.

He’s been doing that more and more lately.  Listening to requests of mine and acting on them.  And I’ve been very sure to praise him heavily every time he does something kind to his sister or does something for me when I ask him to.  So far, he seems to really like the praise.  So I’m hoping this means we’ll see a lot more of this “Nice Liam” in the future.

They still don’t play that great together, but it’s coming, little by little.  Right now, they’re both sitting on the couch (sans cushions because that’s the only way Evie can climb on it is when the cushions are removed), eating some graham crackers for snack and watching “The Backyardigans”.  Evie will kick her feet and Liam will do the same and much giggling ensues.  Moments like these are golden.  They are golden because they are RARE.  More often than not, Evie has grabbed one of Liam’s cars that he has lined up so dutifully on the back of the couch (see above photo) and this earns her a shove and a thwack on the head.  She cries, I yell at Liam, lather, rinse, repeat.  So I make sure I enjoy the golden moments that much more.

Evie is knocking on the door of 15 months and is growing up before my very eyes.  She is WALKING.  Did I mention that?  In the last week or so, she has gone from cruising around furniture, to taking a step or two here and there when she thinks no one is watching to flat out walking across the floor.  Is her technique flawless?  Oh heck no. It’s a good thing this girl is cloth diapered because otherwise her rump would be black and blue from all the times she has plopped down on it.  But seriously.  WALKING.  God help us all.

She’s also getting better with the sippy cup.  Just today, in fact, I gave her some water with a splash of apple juice in it and she has downed that sucker.  This is amazing progress.  Now if I can get her drinking milk reliably out of a sippy cup, maybe she’ll decide to wean.

That’s a slippery slope right there.  Weaning.  I’ve never nursed for this long before and I think it’s actually pretty awesome.  I’m loathe to shut the door on our nursing relationship because it will also be shutting the door on nursing altogether.  At the same time, I know it’s natural for her to grow up and away from me as a source of nutrition.  And the nursing has been taking a toll on me health-wise because DUH, I am The Lame when it comes to things like taking vitamins and making sure I keep myself healthy.  But I don’t really want it to end.  At the same time I know that it has to.

*cough* Anyhow.  Where was I?

Oh yes.  My little girl.  With her wispy-curly hair (Fuzzhead, I often call her).   And her dimpled grins.  And her tendancy to turn really, really cranky if she’s not fed on time.  This girl loves FOOD.  She will eat ANYTHING.  And a lot of it while she’s at it.  She’s Liam’s polar opposite in the eating department, which is kind of a breath of fresh air.  In fact, if anything, she’s liable to steal your food from you.  I guess if she flashes that dimple at you while she does it, that makes it okay.

Okay, well Liam is trying to sit on Evie and she’s rubbing her eyes and acting tired (a whole two and a half hours EARLY!) so I guess the golden moment is over.  Time to return to reality.  Thanks for joining me on this rose-colored love-fest though!

While Monday might have it’s “Hate List” (I’ve not forgotten that!  Expect to see a new Hate List soon!), Friday is a day that inspires joy and happiness and (most often) relief.  It stands to reason Friday would be a day to celebrate just what is GREAT, praise the good and share the love.  Am I right?  So let’s feel the love, shall we?  Because, people, it’s FRIDAY!!  (Woot woot!)

• How well my boys are playing together.  Sure, they’re rough and they make me cringe with all the crashing around the living room (this is mostly on Harry’s part as he is now roughly the size of Bigfoot), but Liam laughs his fool head off and he’s been taking great naps as a result.  Let’s hear it for brotherly love!
• Goodmama diapers.  I have to admit to being a little on the obsessed side with these yummy diapers (bet you thought you’d never hear that phrase, huh?).  I’m nowhere near as obsessed as some (I only have three of them to date), but I’m constantly scheming on how I’m going to acquire more.  LOVE THEM.
• Evie’s appetite.  While in the middle of the night it’s not nice to constantly have to roll over and feed her, it’s nice that she’s so much more into eating solids than Liam was.  She was practically GIDDY when I was feeding her Country Garden Vegetables last night.  SERIOUSLY!
• Kile’s work camera.  I guess I never considered that there are some point-and-shoot cameras that have a lot of the DSLR features but for a lot cheaper.  The new contributor over at PW’s Photography blog first clued me in to it.  And see that Kile’s work camera costs about what we paid for MY point-and-shoot camera over three years ago?  Makes me think that might be my best bet for a new camera.  Now the question is… do I stay with Sony or do I try another brand?

I keep thinking of things that are annoying me instead of things that are making me happy.  Heh.  I guess I really AM ready for another Hate List!  In the meantime, enjoy my list and share with me a little of what is making you happy today.  Maybe I’ll feel inspired to expand my love!

Seriously, you could probably write a book about how much stuff they never tell you before having kids.  Or about how they tried to tell all this stuff before you had kids, but you never listened.  Or you listened but you didn’t believe them because you were going to be different!  You’re SPECIAL, damnit.  Ahem.  Something like that.

Anyhow, my point here is that I was never told just how different a mom that I would be to each of my children.  Oh sure, I heard all the talk about how “each child is different”.  And I beleived it because I grew up in a family of five children.  But I guess I never stopped to realize that you are a different mom to each child.  Or is that just me?  Becuase I SWEAR, I never expected to feel so differently each and every time.

There are basics in place, of course.  I’m a pretty laid back mom (NO WAY, you’re KIDDING… ) and generally don’t get too worked up over things.  My kids, more often than not, might have a smear or two on their faces.  My house tends to look a little “rough around the edges” by the end of the day.  I encourage all of them to be able to play on their own without me, though at Liam’s age, I do join in from time to time.  I also don’t put up with much nonsense and demand respectful behavior and adherence to the rules and regulations (be they what they are) around the house.

But as for how I relate to each child?  It has literally amazed me at how differently I interact with each one.  With Harry, he was my first.  We had a very close relationship for the first six years of his life.  As a baby and toddler, though, I think I spent more time worrying about things and focusing on the little things that just aren’t really worth worrying about.  I don’t think I enjoyed the small moments with him as much as I could have.  I was too busy thinking about what I should be doing and what milestones he should be achieving.  I’m pretty sure all first time moms do this.

With Liam, he was our Golden Child.  The miracle baby at the end of a long line of infertility and loss.  I was older than when I’d had Harry.  And with Liam, I have been more patient, and perhaps more indulgent.  Those early days and months were almost literally spent staring into his eyes and just basking in the glow.  The milestones came and went and I noticed but didn’t really care, you know what I mean?  Liam is my monkey boy and as he grows and more of his personality shows, I’m just charmed by him.  To him, I’m a soft lap to cuddle in.  And can I help it if I find it adorable that he calls everyone “mama”?  Even Harry is “mama”.  Kile will try to prompt him to call him “papa” and Liam will actually argue, “No… mama!”

And it’s different with Evie too.  I honestly never thought I’d get to have a little girl.  I figured I would have all boys and that would be that.  So she’s a surprise to me, every day.  And with her, I have yet another special kind of relationship.  We’ll often escape the cacophony of the boys playing to go change a diaper and while I’m cleaning her up, we’ll smile at each other in a way that says, “I’m on your side, sister.”  She doesn’t like loud noises or being handled roughly.  She loves to be sung to and told she’s a multitude of wonderful things (such as being smart, being a big girl, being pretty, etc and so forth).  She loves to study pictures and faces and does so with a sober, serious look on her face.  She is very tactile and tends to “paw” a lot with her hands, generally at my chest or my hands or a blanket (whatever is handy).  I take a delicate hand with her that I never had to have with her brothers.  She is vastly more talkative at this age and I find myself responding to her coos with delight.  It remains to be seen if she’ll be interested in the boy’s toys and playing in the dirt, but for now she’s my girly girl.  And I will admit to treating her as such.

Leave it to these tiny terrors to put our world on it’s ear, huh?  Being a mom at home (or at work, for that matter) isn’t easy and it’s a lot of work to deal with this rigamarole day in and day out.  But stopping to notice the differences and embrace them?  Well that’s just awesome.

And when Harry gets home?  I’m totally going to cheer him on while he plays a rousing round or two of Mario Kart.  Because he is plain awesome at Mario Kart.

Anyone who has read this blog for a couple years knows that before Liam was born, we were caught in the merciless grips of infertility and loss. We went through many years of heartbreak and frustration. And impatience. I felt like I was constantly trying to beat the clock. And it wasn’t just the biological clock I was trying to beat. If I get pregnant right now, the kids will only be four years apart. For the longest time, I had very set expectations on the spacing of our children. At first, just after Harry was born, I wasn’t sure I even wanted to have another. His traumatic birth experience was still very fresh in my mind. A few months later, I thought that maybe when Harry was four we would have another. I thought that would be perfect because Harry would be going into school (giving me more time during the day to sleep while pregnant or take care of a newborn) and he would be potty trained (insert *snort* of laughter here) and I would still be under 30 (back when we thought we wanted to be done having kids by 30). By the time Harry was a year old, we were already trying. I wanted another baby and I wanted our children to be closer in age.

I never had a sibling very close in age to me. My sister is eight years older than I am, and she and I are the closest in age of all of my siblings. I wanted Harry to be able to enjoy having another child around to play with and fight with and love. And pretty soon, Harry wanted that too. All of my plans were thrown out the window. I never expected it would be so hard to get pregnant again. And I was so stubborn about taking the clomid. If I had only taken it sooner…

Part of the pain when Jackson died, that morning in the hospital when we learned he was gone, was knowing that we had no sibling for Harry. We had waited for so long, gone through so much and now when the timing seemed perfect, and now our hopes and dreams were dashed. I felt so bad for Harry. I felt we were letting him down. And my plans were thwarted which never sits well with me.

I’m a planner by nature. I like to know what’s going to happen and when and how. It drives Kile nuts. I’m sure he thinks I’m just nagging most of the time but I just genuinely want to know what happening. I have never dealt well with the unknown. Leaving things until the last minute fills me with a cold sense of dread. And I thought I’d be able to plan my children just like I plan everything else. And boy, did I have a lesson to learn.

I am in control of NOTHING. Least of all how many children I have and when. It was hard to let go of that hope and of that control. Or rather, the illusion of that control. But I had to realize that I really was at the mercy of God, of fate and of circumstance. As each year slipped by, I felt both sadder for my lost plans and more resigned to the reality of the situation. Everything happens for a reason. That’s another big one for me. I have to believe there’s a purpose. I just had to let go and let that purpose take over.

Now, I cannot imagine it any other way. The spacing between my sons seems perfect. Harry is old enough to help out and he really enjoys being the big brother. Liam thinks Harry walks on air and no one is funnier than he is. Harry is fairly independent and even enjoys doing some things for himself. And that gives me more time to take care of Liam. And I’m older too. Yes, that’s actually a good thing. I’m more relaxed and easy-going this time. I have more of an appreciation for the little things and the little moments that make up our days together.

And without that overbearing clock ticking away just over my shoulder, I find I have time to sit back and just enjoy my family. I can’t help but wonder what enjoyment that clock stole from me all those years. I hope, whatever happens, that from now on that clock just leaves me the heck alone. Whatever happens is what happens and that is the way it is meant to be.