So… I’ve been a little remiss with this here blog.  But November is busy.  Especially with the knitting 24/7 that is going on around here.  But we’ve had birthdays, and there’s Thanksgiving and other social things going down, visits from family, visiting family… Oy.  You get the picture.  I feel something akin to a chicken (turkey?) with it’s head cut off these days.  I have several projects that I want desperately to get done by December.  I don’t think that’s realistically going to happen, but I am hoping to get as much done as I can.

Who knew that a year later, I would be a knitter bogged down with projects?

Anyhow, Thanksgiving is tomorrow (!).  We’re driving down into California to spend the day with some family and then we’re driving to San Jose that evening to stay at my parents’ place for the weekend.   I don’t think we thought the details of this endeavor all the way through as we neither have $ at the moment (we will… eventually!) and we also didn’t consider that we needed someone to watch the dogs.  WHOOPS.   We have it all figured out now, thankfully, but for a minute there I was wondering what the heck our problem was.  It’s almost like, “Oh yeah! We’re going to be gone for several days!  I forgot!”

Lame.

The good thing about not being paid for a few more days is that we won’t be tempted to try to do the Black Friday thing down in San Jose.  To be honest, I was a little nervous about attempting it.   Here in Reno, Black Friday is one thing.  But down in San Jose, it’s something else altogether.  I just don’t think I’m up for it.   Weep not, for Cyber Monday follows and I full intend to take advantage of that to the full extent of my abilities.

So far this year?  Not really feeling it yet.  I hope that happens soon.  So far it’s been stress, stress, stress.  You try to rise above it, but it’s hard when everyone else around you is stressed too.   I’m sure it’ll ease up.   For the moment, however, it’s hard to see beyond obligations, shopping and dollar signs.  I definitely don’t feel as with it as I did last year.  I guess you can’t have it together all the time, right?

So how is everyone else doing with the holidays this year?  Please tell me there is someone out there who is more together than I am.

We have too much STUFF.  I know a lot of people out there like STUFF.  Are constantly in search of more STUFF.  And love their STUFF.  We do this to some extent ourselves as no one is perfect.  But STUFF does not make me happy.  And having it laying around the house makes me even less happy.  Whenever we set stuff out at the curb for the donation truck to pick up, I always feel a sensation not unlike a weight being lifted off my shoulders.  It’s freeing, to get rid of stuff.  I love that feeling and I love getting rid of stuff.  I don’t do it near enough.

It’s not just physical STUFF that needs to be cleared out on a regular basis though.  It’s also the intangible STUFF.  The weight that you drag around with you, day in and day out.  You may not even know you’re dragging it around.  And then one day in a fit of frustration, you cast off that weight and are amazed at how instantly better you feel.  Suddenly, you don’t have that STUFF crudding up your consciousness.  You feel better, lighter, happier.

I got rid of some intangible STUFF last week.  And while not all the scraps are gone just yet, I cast off the majority of it and let me tell you, IT IS FABULOUS.

Life is far too short to complicate it with people that you don’t groove with.  Or that don’t groove with you.  And when you’re a people pleaser like I unfortunately tend to be, you want desperately to force that “groove” to happen.  You find yourself bending over backwards to make nice, to do what you think you should do.  To MAKE this person like you.  And, simply put, that’s not always possible.  You can’t make anyone like you.  You can’t force the “groove”.  Trying to only makes you feel progressively worse and worse until your self-worth is about the size of gnat and your frustration level is through the roof.

All you can do is cut it away.  Like cutting out a cancerous growth.  Suck the poison right out of your life and toss it aside.  Move on.  All these things are far easier said than done, believe me, I know.   I’ve struggled with this subject for over two years now.  TWO YEARS.  That is ridiculous, people.  But, judging from what I know of myself, that’s not uncommon for me.  I have a hard time letting things go sometimes.  Sometimes those things are old notebooks I scribbled in back in high school or a set of favorite books that are collecting dust on the bookshelves.  And sometimes those things are not things, but people who do nothing but make me feel bad.  The stress of trying to find a way to make them NOT make me feel bad is toxic.  And before long, I ache from the burden of it.  I clench my jaw unconsciously while I sleep.  I tense my muscles to the point of not even noticing that I’m tensing them.  And then when those muscles finally do relax, the pain is extraordinary.  PHYSICAL pain, people.  All from stress.

Now, certainly not all of this stress is attributed to toxic people.  There is a lot of things that go on in my life on a daily basis.  I’m sure anyone reading this is nodding their head and saying to themselves, “You and me both, sister!”  Therefore, I’m sure you can understand taking a look at the things causing your stress upon identifying them, wanting to cut away those things that CAN be cut away.

I can’t cut away my family, of course, and naturally taking care of the little ones every day gives me oodles and oodles of stress.  Knitting, while I do love it, gives me stress at least right now when my customs list is a mile long and I pretty much have to knit every moment I can just to keep up.  But I cannot cut away knitting either because I do love it.

Toxic people can be cut away.  The stress of trying to make it work can be cut away.  Chalk it up to a failure and try to remind yourself that that failure is not entirely your fault.  Don’t look back.  Look ahead.  And revel in how FREE you feel.

It is marvelous.

I think I’ll go find some old junk to bag up and set by the curb.

We’re getting down to the wire around here.  Saturday ended up being kind of a wash, but Sunday was spent making last minute errands around town for a few things we want or need to have before we leave for our trip.  Now that it’s close, the days are flying by.  Wednesday will be here before you know it.  And whenever I even so much as THINK about it, my stomach starts to hurt.

I’m definitely nervous.  Definitely excited.  Definitely nervous.

Wednesday will be a struggle but I am determined to enjoy it as best I can.  What’s enjoyable about flying across country with two toddlers?  I hope to have an answer for that after this trip is over.  I hope for naps.  Nice, long, peaceful naps.  I hope for short lines at airport security and a simple-ish way to cart two heavier than hell carseats through two airports… one of which I know my way around and the other… well… not so much.  I hope for a hassle-free car rental.  I hope for easy directions (in the dark!) to the condo we’re staying the night in.  I hope for children who will be so exhausted from the trip (even though they slept the whole way) that they’ll sleep like angels despite the unfamiliar conditions.

I hope for a lot, apparently.

In the meantime, I hope for packing wisdom.  I’ve not done so well with that so far, sadly.  My method of packing has involved tossing garments at the respective suitcases.  Also, I have been wondering where half of my clothes went.  I don’t have the heart to tell myself that this is all I’ve got.  Whoops.

Bathing suits, sunscreen, shorts, t-shirts… it’s all swimming in my head.

Don’t forget the passports!  Don’t forget the iPhone chargers!  Don’t forget the camera!  Batteries!  Memory cards!

Ugh.

And, wouldn’t you know it, Evie won’t nap.

There’s so much to remember that I’m sure I’ll forget it.   In the meantime… I have a headache.  Help?

Maybe I need a vacation from my vacation, huh?

I’ll try to post tomorrow but… the way things are going, I’m not going to count on it.  If you don’t hear from me before then, I’ll be back on the 14th or so.  Don’t miss me too much!

So the week has found me. I tried to hide, but it was hard to disguise my location when Evie kept getting me up all night long. Thankfully, I had the presence of mind to deny her milk. She didn’t NEED to nurse at 2:22 in the morning. She really WANTED to, but she didn’t NEED to. Not when she’d nursed at 11:35. And I think I got to sleep close to 1. So yeah, THANKS Evie. And she kept trying to wake up after that but I wasn’t having it.

I finally gave in at 6:30. The sun was up and shining brightly into both of our rooms (seriously, what’s the deal? When will it stop doing that so damned early?) so I couldn’t quite justify denying her. Even though I felt pretty wasted.

Thing is: I’m hanging on by a pretty thin thread these days.  Kile has asked me why and I have no answer.  I don’t know WHY.  If I knew why, then maybe I could fix it.  But its been something that has come and gone in waves.  And it’s something that has been particularly bad the last year or so.  Actually, more like two years.  My coping skills have degraded severely.  My ability to deal with stressful situations has become almost non-existant.  I’ve been a recluse, closeted and withdrawn.  I’ve had social confidence and contentment leeched out of me.  Not having MOPS this last year was a BAD THING indeed.

When Harry was two and three years old, it was different.  It was just him and me, life hadn’t slapped me around quite as much and the opportunities were more plentiful.  And, let’s face it, I wasn’t such a closeted freak.  We would go to story time at the library on Tuesdays, MOPS on Wednesdays, lunch with Kile at the University on Fridays…  I didn’t think anything of taking Harry shopping with me.  He was a great shopper, content to sit in the cart and watch the world go by.  I never felt trapped in the house with him.   And when we had our rental house, he was often very happy to play out in the backyard, be it in the snow in the winter or the dirt and grass in the summer.

Things are different now.   Before Evie was born, I had no problem leaving the house with Liam.  We didn’t do lunch with Kile anymore, and I didn’t do as much shopping, but there was MOPS and we had friends to go hang out with and I never hesitated to take Liam along on an errand if I needed to go somewhere.  But with Evie now, I don’t feel like I have that freedom.  And I do realize this is my own doing.  Many moms have no trouble wrangling together their herd to leave the house.  I just don’t have that confidence.  The notion of going to the park with both kids by myself makes my blood run cold.  What if Liam runs off (as he would surely do) while I’m dealing with Evie?  I don’t think I would have the energy to deal with it.  Shopping would be impossible since most stores I would go to only have single carts and I can’t push two carts by myself.  (I have to laugh at loud of the notion of letting Liam just walk outside the cart.  HA!)  We have no MOPS and no friends and therefore no adult interaction outside that of seeing my husband at the end of each day.   I’m hesitant to try to make any new friends since all attempts in the past have been such ginormous FAILs that I am extremely wary of putting myself out there again.

At the end of the day, it’s just easier to stay home.  To shut myself in.  And with no yard for Liam to play in (yes, still, after living here 5 years… circumstance is a bitch), he has nowhere to run off his energy.  So he gets bored and restless.  Add in some healthy jealousy of his sister, and you’ve got a recipe for chaos.  And frayed nerves.  I’m sort of depressed these days anyhow, and the chaos is directly opposed to my calm-seeking personality.  So… yeah.   By the end of the day, I’m at my wits end.  And since Evie has decided to wake up a couple times a night again (WTF, darling daughter?), I’m exhausted too.

And I know this is all my own doing, so please spare me the “quit whining and do something” speeches.  Because I know.  But at the same time, I feel caught inside a vicious circle and the way out just isn’t quite so clear.  I’m focused on just making it through the day right now.  Day by day, hour by hour.  It’s the best I can do.  And that’ll do for now.

So… I think I need you all to help me out here.  How many of you have been to Disney World?  On the Disney Cruise?  BOTH?  Can ya help me out?  Because we’re going on one of these fantabulous Land/Sea Vacations later this summer and I’m, quite frankly, freaked out about it.  Partially because I have become a hermit and am uncomfortable leaving the confines of my own cozy abode and partially because it’s Disney and everything is SO. VERY. MAGICAL.  You will have fun or you WILL DIE, damnit!

That’s a lot of pressure.

Firstly, I’m worried about the plane trip.  I still don’t know which airline we’re taking, though I’m leaning towards Southwest.  But I do know that I will have to get myself, my husband and three kids through security and on a cross country trip that will take the better part of a day AND our sanity.  Oh, and we’re planning to come in the day before and spend the night at the timeshare my parents are staying at so we’re there for the park the next day from the word go.

Any tips for flying with children?  One who is nine (going on TEN, so help me God), one who will be a newly minted THREE (again with the help) and a 16 month old.   We’re planning on bringing on car seats for the two little ones.  Good plan?  What do I need to bring, entertainment wise?  How much alcohol do you think it will take to dull the pain?

The next issue is strollers.  I think I’ve narrowed it down to two choices.  We will either a) bring something with us which means we’ll have to BUY something as our double stroller is definitely not the sort you want to travel with, but bringing it would mean we’d have it in the airport or b) rent one from an Orlando stroller rental company that delivers to your hotel for you so it’s there when you arrive.  While it would be nice to have a stroller in the airport, we would also have to deal with it on the cruise and I’m not sure how I feel about that.  Is having a stroller on a Disney Cruise a pain in the arse?  Plus, you know, we’d have to buy something.  The stroller I’d really like to have (coincidentally, the same one the stroller rental company provides) is muy expensive and way out of our league.  We’ve talked about a fold up wagon with umbrella but that would be neither comfortable for the kids if they wanted to nap in the park(s) or easy to get on and off transportation.  A cheapo side-by-side double?  Are there any cheapos that recline?  OY.

You can see why it’s an issue.

Also: Dining.  What to do?   Do we get the Disney Dining Plan which allows us to eat pretty much at will for the duration of our stay in the park?  CAN we get it, since our room is already booked and it seems to be tied to your room rate?   Or do we just save up our clams and expect to pay out the arse for food?  My mom thinks we should buy peanut butter and jelly and make sandwiches in our room.   Not a bad idea but I am not going to subsist on peanut butter and jelly for THREE DAYS.  I don’t care what it costs.  This IS a vacation, after all.  I need information about this.  What have other people done?  What has worked?  What hasn’t?

If that weren’t enough:  the heat. Who planned this thing for AUGUST, for pity’s sake?  I will surely melt.  What is central Florida like in August?  Give it to me with both barrels, folks.  I can take it.  What do I need to do to ensure we don’t all die of heat stroke?

I find I’m less concerned about the cruise (though that has its own set of issues including the fact that Liam cannot go to the children’s activities because while he will be three, he will not be potty trained and therefore is stuck with us which means we are stuck with HIM and that severely limits our fun quotient).  At least there will be air conditioning on the cruise.  And the food will be included.  So there’s that.

What do I need to know?  I need your help, oh wise internets!  Give me your experiences and tell me what I should (and should NOT) do/bring/think/say/expect, etc.

I’m scared.