temper

It would seem that my frustration from yesterday did not dissipate overnight like I had hoped it would. Then again, I’m not sure why I expected it to since Evie is in the throes of teething and wanted to use me as a pacifier all night long. My rest wasn’t exactly restful.

My resentment, therefore, has only multiplied and today hasn’t gotten off to a very good start. I suppose this means I should be paying extra attention to “Blue’s Clues” this morning, as the lesson is in how to best deal with frustration (”Stop. Breathe. And think!”). Somehow, though, I just don’t think that’s going to work for me today.

Thank you to everyone who posted words of encouragment on my little rant yesterday. I was worried that my hormones had gotten the better of me and that I had overreacted. And while I probably did at least a little, hearing that what this office did was pretty shitty after all really helped. So thanks. Sometimes, a person just needs to hear that they aren’t completely batshit crazy.

Today would be the day I would normally post a WordPress Bootcamp but you’ll have to forgive me if I’m not exactly feeling it. I might do it tomorrow or I might put it off until next week. We’ll see how many chidren survive the day today and how I feel about life at the end of it.

Is it possible to be both angry and tired at the same time? And when I say angry, I really mean a range of negative emotions that include frustrated (”Stop. Breathe. And think!”), sad, guilty, annoyed, and resentful. I feel so angry that I practically shake. And at the same time, I’m so tired that I feel like I could fall asleep right here (perhaps even with my eyes open). I want to crawl up into bed (perhaps even alone for a change, no offense, Evie) and sleep for weeks on end. I want to just forget my responsibilities and float away. At least for a little while (until the guilt got to be too much).

See, even now I’m feeling guilty for this post even existing and I’m tempted to just erase it and pretend it never existed. But I’m going to go ahead and post it anyhow, before I let the guilt take over.

This particular post doesn’t paint me or my financial situation in a very flattering light. Actually, the financial situation is no surprise, based on today’s craptastic economy. But me, well… what can I say?

Evie had her six month wellcheck scheduled for this morning. Because I never keep those stupid schedule cards they give you, I had no idea when the appointment was until the office called yesterday afternoon to confirm. In order to make things a little easier (since mornings are insanity), I took my shower last night before bed. Of course, this means I woke up with Crazy Hair. But my iron was able to tame it back into shape. I got Evie all dressed up and gave her a dose of Tylenol, for her immunizations. I got Liam ready to go too. I left the house 40 minutes before the appointment. I noticed that our one tire that is always leaking air was a little low. Too late to fix it. The gas tank was in poor shape so I stopped at the gas station. The problem is, the machine didn’t accept my card. I had $20 in the debit account, but for some reason, that wasn’t enough. I hoped I would have enough to make it down to the doctor’s office and back home again.

I stopped to get Kile and called his cell phone. No answer. Again and again. No answer. I sat there for a good 15 minutes before he finally answered. He said he never got the other calls. URGH. We were able to make it down to the doctor’s office just in time. We loaded the kids into the double stroller and made our way inside. Kile signed in and we waited to be called back. We were called, eventually, but not by the nurse. The receptionist told Kile that we had a past due amount on our account (that we were unaware of) and that if we wanted to be seen today, we’d have to pay that plus our copay.

Yeah, we didn’t have it. Kile rescheduled for next week while my blood boiled over. BOILED. THE FUCK. OVER. Am I saying my reaction matched the situation? Perhaps not. But until that moment, I’d felt stressed and this was the last straw. I couldn’t handle the extra crap being piled on so I blew my lid. I stormed out to the van, swearing to Kile that I was not coming back next week and I used a lot of really bad language too. I was PISSED. I had put myself out, getting out of the house with two little kids, drove on a tire that needed air, on an empty tank of gas just to make this appointment only to get there and OH NO, TOO BAD!

I’m sorry, but to me, that’s just bullshit. What the hell do we even pay out the ass for insurance for if we can’t even get seen by a doctor?

Even now, I’m extremely upset about this. I don’t particularly want to go back to that office, but i know that’s a stupid reaction. Evie needs to see the doctor, even for a well visit, and she needs her immunizations. But the thought of doing it all AGAIN next week makes my stomach turn. I don’t feel that I can physically walk back into that office without wanting to slap someone.

Yeah, to say that I can’t handle stress very well these days would probably be a gross understatement.

Not my proudest moment. Who is to blame? Us, for not having the extra money to just pay it on the spot? Us, for not having that past due amount paid? Them, for insisting that we pay it before being seen? The economy, for sucking every last spare dollar out of our pockets until we’re left on our knees, begging for mercy? All of the above? None of the above? Who the hell knows?

It’s moments like these that I wish for oblivion, for an escape, for darkness and quiet. For peace.

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In completely unrelated but no less worthy news: please go check out my review of the new book, “Maybe Baby” over on my review blog. It’s a great read. (The book, not the review. Though the review isn’t bad either.)