Oh. I hear this a lot. A. Lot. And it’s both true and terribly simple but yet so complicated and ridiculous.
This week has been… bad. It’s like my thyroid can sense that I’m ready to finally fight it for control of my well-being and is staging a last-ditch salvo to finally off me once and for all. And I know not all of it is my thyroid. But I do think pretty much all of it is somehow influenced by that rogue gland of mine. The depression and anxiety, for instance. Aggravated by what is a condition that has gotten so very out of control.
Lets do a symptom check, shall we? It’ll be fun!
- swollen throat
- cracking voice
- dry, brittle hair
- hair falling out at alarming rates
- dry skin on face
- skin actually flaking off forehead EW
- exhaustion (like, literally, cannot stay awake past 9pm some nights and often feel exhausted 30 minutes after waking up in the morning)
- But I can’t sleep in because it actually hurts to lay in bed
- lack of motivation… it’d probably be more accurate to say there is NO motivation whatsoever
- Did I mention how tired I am?
- social anxiety. Oh… how that makes it sound so clinical. But it is getting ever so severe. I cannot make simple phone calls. I cannot look people in the eye. I have a physical reaction at the mere thought of having to do something as simple as talk to someone else.
- weepiness (which I don’t classify as depression, believe it or not)
- Is it bedtime yet??
So yes, it’s plain that I need to get this taken care of. But I’ve avoided it. Because a) the mere thought of calling to make an appointment is so repulsive to me that I would rather suffer than actually DO IT and b) I hate to ask for help, even from Kile, especially when I know he’s busy with work and he won’t remember to help me with this stuff if I don’t remind him but I don’t want to remind him because I don’t want to be pushy, or naggy or anything like that. It’s a never ending viscous cycle.
But this week has been SO. AWFUL. So unbelievably awful. So I have tried, with whatever gumption I have left, to get the ball moving on this. And here is what that looks like.
I want to go see an actual endocrinologist. I’ve seen a regular family doctor in the past and I never developed a good relationship with this doctor. As evidenced by my reluctance to go back when my last thyroid med prescription expired to see about getting a new one. Those meds weren’t really WORKING anyhow. I think I need something different. But your average family doc just has no clue about such things. So, endocrinologist it is! So I have to look up one that takes my insurance and that hopefully takes new patients as well. I gave a number to Kile who said he would call but this is a super duper busy time for him at work. He’s been busy, lots of meetings, lots of things on his mind and he’s forgotten.
I didn’t want to remind him. I even tried to call myself. I had the number in front of me, cell phone in hand and I just couldn’t do it. I started shaking. I just could. Not. Do. It. Finally, I asked (begged) Kile to please call on my worst day this last week. I almost couldn’t bear to make it through the day, I was driven to the edge. So I begged. Not proud of it. But I did.
I don’t know all the details, but I know he had some difficulty. It was NOT as easy as calling up and saying we would like an appointment. What I do know is that they finally agreed to have me go to the family doctor that I think I saw maybe TWICE and sign a paper for them to release my records. What records they have, I don’t know. But surely they have something. The endocrinologist’s office would then receive the records and pass them on to the doctor to review. Once the doctor is doing reviewing the records (and by reviewing, I’m guessing this is to check and see if I actually do have an issue worthy of being treated by an endocrinologist because they don’t want just any run of the mill jerk in there who claims to have a busted thyroid), then we’ll be able to make an appointment with the office.
Now, I see several flaws with this whole thing. Why couldn’t we make an appointment that is contingent on us getting the release signed and the records sent over in the meantime? Because we all know when an appointment is made, that it won’t be for next week or anything. We’re probably looking at a good month out. There’ll be TIME for that, I’m sure of it. Another flaw; how am I supposed to go sign this release? Kile can’t pick it up and bring it to me. I have to go down there. But half the time, Kile has to take my van to work. And even when the van is home, it’s not like I’m about to load up the kids and go down there myself. Remember that social anxiety? If I can’t make phone calls, what makes you think I can do THAT on my own? The thought makes the skin on my arms prickle. So even getting THAT done will be dependent on whenever I can get Kile to take me down there. Remember how he’s busy at work? Yeah. Holding your breath wouldn’t be a good idea here.
Even so… say this all happens and the release is signed, the doctor reviews it and we’re able to make an appointment. Once I finally get to the appointment, that’s just the beginning. Because I’ll have to go get labs drawn so they can see just how out of control my thyroid has gotten. And then wait for the results from those labs to come in. And then wait for the endocrinologist to get in touch with me about those results. Wait for a prescription. And then wait for that prescription to then take effect. Anyone on thyroid meds knows that it can take weeks or months for meds to even start to do something. And that’s IF the meds are the right ones. There might be some trial and error to be done.
The road in front of me at this point, on a Friday afternoon when I feel so very tired, so very sad, so very achy and just DONE with it all… it seems so long. And since my motivation has up and left the building, it’s so very tempting to just give up. Because surely any relief won’t be worth the grief and hassle and trial of trying to achieve that relief. As yet, I have yet to have had any thyroid meds that I think really made me feel GOOD. At best, I had meds that made me feel stable. So I guess I can hope for that? But considering all the hoops to be jumped through… god help me. Can it possibly be worth it??
So that’s where I am at. And right now I feel so tired and so worn out that I just want to crawl into bed and pull the covers up over my head and forget it all. But I can’t because I’ve got kids to take care of and things to do and the day isn’t over yet. I so wish it were, but it’s not.