So the week has found me. I tried to hide, but it was hard to disguise my location when Evie kept getting me up all night long. Thankfully, I had the presence of mind to deny her milk. She didn’t NEED to nurse at 2:22 in the morning. She really WANTED to, but she didn’t NEED to. Not when she’d nursed at 11:35. And I think I got to sleep close to 1. So yeah, THANKS Evie. And she kept trying to wake up after that but I wasn’t having it.
I finally gave in at 6:30. The sun was up and shining brightly into both of our rooms (seriously, what’s the deal? When will it stop doing that so damned early?) so I couldn’t quite justify denying her. Even though I felt pretty wasted.
Thing is: I’m hanging on by a pretty thin thread these days. Kile has asked me why and I have no answer. I don’t know WHY. If I knew why, then maybe I could fix it. But its been something that has come and gone in waves. And it’s something that has been particularly bad the last year or so. Actually, more like two years. My coping skills have degraded severely. My ability to deal with stressful situations has become almost non-existant. I’ve been a recluse, closeted and withdrawn. I’ve had social confidence and contentment leeched out of me. Not having MOPS this last year was a BAD THING indeed.
When Harry was two and three years old, it was different. It was just him and me, life hadn’t slapped me around quite as much and the opportunities were more plentiful. And, let’s face it, I wasn’t such a closeted freak. We would go to story time at the library on Tuesdays, MOPS on Wednesdays, lunch with Kile at the University on Fridays… I didn’t think anything of taking Harry shopping with me. He was a great shopper, content to sit in the cart and watch the world go by. I never felt trapped in the house with him. And when we had our rental house, he was often very happy to play out in the backyard, be it in the snow in the winter or the dirt and grass in the summer.
Things are different now. Before Evie was born, I had no problem leaving the house with Liam. We didn’t do lunch with Kile anymore, and I didn’t do as much shopping, but there was MOPS and we had friends to go hang out with and I never hesitated to take Liam along on an errand if I needed to go somewhere. But with Evie now, I don’t feel like I have that freedom. And I do realize this is my own doing. Many moms have no trouble wrangling together their herd to leave the house. I just don’t have that confidence. The notion of going to the park with both kids by myself makes my blood run cold. What if Liam runs off (as he would surely do) while I’m dealing with Evie? I don’t think I would have the energy to deal with it. Shopping would be impossible since most stores I would go to only have single carts and I can’t push two carts by myself. (I have to laugh at loud of the notion of letting Liam just walk outside the cart. HA!) We have no MOPS and no friends and therefore no adult interaction outside that of seeing my husband at the end of each day. I’m hesitant to try to make any new friends since all attempts in the past have been such ginormous FAILs that I am extremely wary of putting myself out there again.
At the end of the day, it’s just easier to stay home. To shut myself in. And with no yard for Liam to play in (yes, still, after living here 5 years… circumstance is a bitch), he has nowhere to run off his energy. So he gets bored and restless. Add in some healthy jealousy of his sister, and you’ve got a recipe for chaos. And frayed nerves. I’m sort of depressed these days anyhow, and the chaos is directly opposed to my calm-seeking personality. So… yeah. By the end of the day, I’m at my wits end. And since Evie has decided to wake up a couple times a night again (WTF, darling daughter?), I’m exhausted too.
And I know this is all my own doing, so please spare me the “quit whining and do something” speeches. Because I know. But at the same time, I feel caught inside a vicious circle and the way out just isn’t quite so clear. I’m focused on just making it through the day right now. Day by day, hour by hour. It’s the best I can do. And that’ll do for now.